I look at his little hands, while he colors in his coloring book.
No one called again today, no one is interested.
I go grosery shopping, and try to buy enough food to last a week with the little money I have left.
He plays with a glass container, but I take it away, afraid that he'll let it fall and I'll have to pay for it.
We get back home and I try to ignore the neighbors as they stare out their windows, their eyes judge and condemn a young mother who obviously isn't capable of taking care of her child.
I want to cook some chicken, but as soon as I turn the oven on, the light goes out.
With a sinking heart I remember the latest electricity bills that are still in my purse, unpaied.
After fixing us some cold milk and cookies, I put him in his old and worn out bed.
He used to have a beautiful room, with toys and pictures on the wall.
Now he's sleeping in an old bed, sharing a room with my smoking brother in law....
I thank God for the clothes my mother has send me, they fit him well and hide the fact that we are poor to the cruel eyes of older mothers at school every morning.
I love you mommy, he says. Those three words break my heart as I feel like I don't deserve them.
He deserves so much more, a room of his own, new toys...
A house with a garden where he can play, a mother who doesn't cry every night...
I shake my head and kiss him goodnight.
I climb into bed and take out my books, I have to learn another language I think as I study my German.
I thought that four languages would be enough to find an employment, anything would be good.
But I was wrong.... even Mc Donalds refused me, we're sorry, they said, but we only hire students.
My husband lies next to me, there are no more words left between us...
we both feel guilty, we both know there is nothing left to say.
I feel my eyes close as I read one more page, I have to know this! i have to get it right!
I try to push myself to learn, but my eyes won't listen so I put my books away and turn off the lights.
Maybe tomorrow...maybe tomorrow someone will call me, and my days will finally be different again.
I fall asleep dreaming of our home, our private garden, our son playing with a puppy...
but the morning soon comes and brings me back to reality...
another day where no one is interested,
another day where I'm not good enough.
another day of emails and letters saying that I don't qualify to their expectations...
yeah...another day in real life.