I hang up the phone. He forgot about me in the library, in the computer room. The screen blurs from my tears. The pain of being forgotten fills the rest of my body, consuming any happiness, shreding any sunlight, taking away the bright colors, filling the world with darkness. i shove the earbuds in my ears, turn my ipod up all the way...the loudest song i have...the pain in my ears cover the pain in my heart, or the big black hole where my heart used to be. I smile...the pain that my father said, when I was little and he still cared, was the only type that mattered was gone. My attention turned to the liquid dripping from my ears...I look in the mirror as i realize the ipod is silent...blown another pair of earbuds, again. Then I realize that I havnt blown the earbuds...but my ears. The liquid is blood. The hearinglessness fills me up with regret, not from turning up the music, but of being born, anger, not to myself, but to my mother for letting me survive instead of her.
Then burning sensation in my chest from my father, the one who didnt call the cops when I ran away, but left it to my little half-brother, Kenny. The man who called the cops on me for having my music too loud at my birthday party. The person who didnt want me when my mother died. The person that should be there for me practially left my life completely. All I had was the skeleton of my hamster that I found in our yard, that some how got out out of this cage and fell into a bucket and drowned. Or more realistically, the one that my father took out of his cage and put in a bucket of water until he drowned to death. The one my father killed. My father. Words that dont make sense with the way he acts.
I am only allowed to go to school and the library, because he wont let me out of the house past 7, and I had basketball practice until 7:30. Then he pulled me out of basketball, and grounded me until I am 18. So I havnt seen my two best friends for a month. Cece, or as shes called now, Cutter, dropped out of school due to emotional problems because she was held back four times, and Sara, or Slitter, has to go to the detention room because she tried commiting suside with a peice of paper in the computer labs printer room at school. So I go to bed really early, get up at 11 when my dad is sleeping, sneak out and go to their house. Cutter is 20 so she has her own place and Slitter is still 17 so she is living with Cutter. I am Hangger around them.
At Cutter and Slitter's, I snuk in their kitchen window, because their doors are broken, to find Slitter laying by the stove...dead. She slit her throat. Iran around the house to find Cutter in the bathtub with her wrist cut. she was sitting in her blood. She was barely alive. She said, "Slitter killed because...we got in a fight...I told her to die...She did...I wouldnt be able to live with myself...so I decided not to...Im sorry...Stay alive if you can...You and Slitter are...my best friends...ever...." Ihad to read her lips because I couldnt hear her.
She was gone. They both were. I whispered into my dead best friends ear, "Without you two, I have no reason to live."
I found the rope. I started wondering whereever I go, if I would hear. I tied the rope around my throat...then tightened it, until I couldnt breathe. Then I thought before I died I would find my mother and meet her for the first time.