I Wish She Could Love Me.
I sat in my spacious living room in the house that had been left to me when my grandmother finally died. On the television home movies played, though these aren't like anything in your collection. These videos were made by me, and they show in full colour all of my adventures into realising my fantasy.
I have been trying to perfectly re-create my fantasy for years, with varying degrees of success. The first time was messy, but I was inexperienced I could learn from it. I played it over and over in my head, trying to see where I could tighten things up, make it perfect. That was when I decided to start filming them.
Now my films are easy to follow, I spliced them together myself with each of the events happening in order. I figured doing it myself was safer than sending the films off to be put together by professionals. Sure the job I did was a little jumpy in places, but it will do.
As I sat and watched my technique get better and better as the video plays on, I realised that I was aroused. It must be time for another one. I felt my heart beat quicken as I switched off the tape and rose from my chair. If it was time again, I would need to head out to town tomorrow and find one. I began to head toward the bathroom to shower and shave and make myself handsome again.
I was half way to the bathroom when I heard a knock at the door. Who could be out here this late? I was confused as the house is in the middle of nowhere, nothing around for miles and miles, and yet now, at two in the morning, someone is tapping on my door. I hoped this wasn't a sign, I had chosen to live here because of its secluded state. Don't ruin it for me.
Opening the door, I saw an old woman standing on my doorstep. I have no patience for this, I am busy and have things to do. The woman looked like a traveller, she would once have been called Gypsie but that was before political correctness went mad.
'I am sorry to disturb you young man, but I have been walking for many miles and would just like a glass of water. Could I please come in for just a second?' The woman's voice was gravelly and dry.
I mentally walked through the house. Piles of rope in the hall, blood stains on the basement door. Blood stains in the sink. Various large knives and axes on the kitchen counter.
'No I'm sorry, you can't come in. I am very busy right now and I don't have time for company.'
The old woman's eyes twinkled knowingly, in that moment I felt that she knew everything about me. As fear trickled down my spine in a rush of cold, she reached out two fingers to caress my cheek.
'You will never have what you want. They will never love you.' She hissed and turned away, leaving my property and life, forever.
I closed the door laughing at her. Stupid woman, who still believes in Gypsie curses? Despite that, I couldn't shake the fear she had set loose in my body. She knows. Don't be silly, all she knows is I live in the middle of nowhere, alone. It was a general statement, of course a young, single man would pine for love sometimes.
It was then I remembered my arousal, it was insistent, continuous and making my jeans uncomfortably tight. I turned and resumed my beautification process. In between times, I let my hair and beard grow, and end up with a rather unkempt appearance. Now though I needed to look approachable, handsome and friendly.
I knew how to achieve it, and I don't look too bad when I put the effort in. Once my hair was trimmed and styled and my beard gone, I no longer looked like a rough, unsociable farmer. I looked like the twenty-five year old, roguishly handsome man that I am. My body didn't need any attention, to maintain my ability to carry out my acts, I need to stay strong so I work out a lot.
Once I was satisfied with my look, I knew I needed to rest before I made the journey to find the next one. So I headed to bed, passing the covered portrait of my grandmother on the stairs. If I didn't cover it, she screamed at me calling me names and throwing insults like shot puts.
I undressed carefully, steadfastly ignoring my obvious arousal. I couldn't touch that, that was dirty. I even sat down to pee. It would be relieved tomorrow, when I have a new one. I just needed to be patient. I slept fitfully for a couple of hours.
In the morning I skipped breakfast and headed straight to the closest town to set up my careful plan. I left my big green van on the outskirts of town, parked in a backstreet so as not to attract any attention. Then I rented a stylish new car from a nearby rental shop. It was a day rental, so I didn't worry about the fake address I gave them, it wasn't like they were going to have any reason to check it out.
I drove to the market place and parked in the closest space I could find to the beginning of the stalls. Then I began wandering around the many stalls and shops, buying a few things here and there so as to fit in. It was around lunchtime I saw her. Tall thin and blonde, she was the very definition of what I needed. This was a very successful shopping trip.
She looked just like every one of the girls from school who had spat at me, laughed in my face and pushed me around. This one would be perfect. I approached her confidently, the shyness of my boyhood a thing of the past now I knew I had the power. She saw me coming and smiled as I approached, who would've thought I'd grow into something they wanted?
'Hi, I was wandering if you could help me find a place to buy accessories? I have a niece staying over for a while, a favour to my brother, and she needs hair ties and clips and a whole assortment of other things I don't understand.' I grinned sheepishly.
'Aaaww sure, no problem. I think it's over this way.' She led the way and I followed at a nervous and safe distance. I didn't want to spook her.
After I had selected a few things from the store, we made some small talk and I learned that she was just heading home with her shopping and offered to drive her.
'As a thank you for helping me with these.' I said, lifting the accessory bag.
After a little bit of doubt, she weighed up her shopping bags and agreed. We just had to stop and let her sister know she was leaving. I waited for her outside of the shop she had spotted her sister in, and we left together making our way to my rental car. When we eventually reached it, I loaded her shopping into the boot, and smartly knocked her out cold with a small pipe I had brought from my van and stored in the boot of the car.
I was loading her into the boot with the shopping when a small and incredibly beautiful woman came running to the car crying.
'Please don't take my sister, I will do anything. She is such a beautiful person, she doesn't deserve it. I promise I wont tell anyone, Take me instead!' The woman pleaded, I could see her desperation.
Weighing things up carefully, I knew that the blonde in the car, wouldn't remember what happened. They never did after they woke up. The woman standing in front of me was more beautiful than any of the previous woman I had taken. She was selfless. She was what I had been looking for all along, maybe if she can be what I want her to be, I wont need to carry on like this any more.
I quickly dumped the blonde, and her shopping on the floor beside the car. The new woman hopped into the passenger seat of the car with a tear sliding down her cheek. I took a balaclava from my pocket, I always carried one, and slipped it over her head. I had made it myself out of a thick oversized black hat. It had no eye holes, and an extra piece of black cotton sewn into it to ensure total blindness. I had left her a mouth hole, to breath.
We drove half way to my big secluded house in silence, but then I had to know.
'Why did you do that instead of calling the police?' I asked.
'By the time they got there, you'd have been long gone with my sister. She has been through enough and didn't deserve to be put through more. So here I am.'
I realised she was right, and she was smart. She saved her sister by understanding that if I had left with her, before the police arrived, I would have won. She really was everything I could have wanted.
We arrived at home, and I quickly guided her down into the basement, where I handcuffed her to a ring in the wall, and took off her blindfold.
'I need you to wait here, I will be back I promise. Oh, and if you scream, no one will hear you.' I left her there, and headed back to town to return my rental car and pick up my van.
On my return I took off the handcuffs and led the woman back upstairs. I took her to the bathroom and watched her bathe; her long thick hair the colour of chocolate, her skin pale and pure. Big brown eyes watched me watching her, I felt as though I could get lost in them. As I watched I realised I didn't want to hurt this one. The fantasy had changed again.
I wanted her to love me. To really love me, the do anything for you kind of love you see in the movies. I began filming her all the time, just doing menial things. She did everything I asked of her, but nothing more. I grew angry with her, I needed her to want to be here, to want to do these things. Otherwise it was just another game to be played back on my VCR when she was gone.
I made her watch my video collection. Made her watch without turning away as I appeared time after time on screen, torturing and raping and killing nameless, faceless women. She cried once and called me a monster. I didn't mind, it was our first lovers quarrel.
She tried to escape once, shortly after the videos. She had been with me for around six months by then, and although I had made love to her, she hadn't returned it. The day I caught her running through the field, I had locked her back in the basement and beaten her.
'I'm sorry, I never wanted to do this. I didn't want to hurt you, I love you and I just want you to love me too!' I had sobbed as my fists rained down upon her.
We went on a while this way, me desperate for her love and approval and her just wanting to get away. Everything changed when I remembered the old woman's words that strange night. I took her in the van, blindfolded so she couldn't see where the house was, and from a distance we watched her sister doing her shopping on the market. I wanted to show her that her sister was fine, and I was trying to do something nice for her.
She understood my intention and when we got home that evening, she cooked dinner for the both of us, on her own. Life was settling down, and over time I stopped being cruel to her, and began to learn to show my love for her in a safe and loving way.
I wanted her to love me so desperately that I hid away my video collection, and though I could not take back what I had been in the past, I worked hard to be a man who deserved her love instead of the beast that had taken her.
Belle and I eventually married and though we decided it was better to not have children, due to my past and instability, we are very happy. I am living proof that those who are thought of as monsters can truly become a man worthy of the love of a beautiful woman. I did, and though the journey was long and difficult, I am happy now. I wished she could love me, and she does.