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Underwater

Short Story By: Reaper
Other


just something random View table of contents...

 

Submitted: Dec 31, 2007    Reads: 105    Comments: 9    Likes: 2   


It was clear the only way out of the collapsed tunnel was through the under water passage, and if I was right about where I was it would be a long siwm, and in the middle of winter, A cold one. I tucked my shirt into my pants and the bottom of my pants into my socks, so as little water as possible would freeze my skin. I then shut my eyes and stepped into the water, even with my waterproof nike shoes and thick socks the water was cold. I took another step, and another. A cold chill swept my body, What if the passage was blocked over half way? And I didn't have enough air to get back?. the swim would take three minutes and even with my swimming training the longest I had held my breath was two. Then I heard a faint cry, coming from behind me, I looked through the small twisted passage I had crawled thorugh to get to the caven, all was black but the faint cry got louder, I grabbed the small torch out of my pocket, the one I took from a dead police officer back in the collapsed tunnel. I switched it on and shone the light in the small passage, staring back at the light was a girl, she had brown hair that had a coat of blood,

“help” she whimperd extending an arm to me, I grabbed her hand and helped pull her out, she looked about 12, yet her eyes looked like thay had seen to much

“my whole family, there all dead”, she said crying

“Im sorry”, I replied putting one hand on her shoulder. I looked at her taking in everything she had cuts and bruises all over her body, most looked fresh some looked like they were days old.

“my back hurts”, she said suddenly

“ turn around”, I asked, she turned around and I saw a deep gash in her back with blood pouring out

“crap” I whisperd ripping off my shirt and placing it on the cut, I tied it around her back as tight as I could, to keep pressure on the wound.

“how do we get out” she had stopped crying but tears still dripped from her eyes

“we have to swim”, I said only just realising how scared my voice sounded.

“come on” I took her hand and led her in to the water we took a few steps in and I felt her body shiver.

“Dont worry wer'e gonna be fine, just take three deep breaths and then on the last one hold your mouth shut und jump in.” the water was clear for about a meter and then it dimmed, I didn't know if we were jumping onto a pile of sharp rocks. We started taking breaths, one,two, three.we both jumped into the water and swam down next to each other, every thing was dark, I grabbed the torch and turned it on the light iluminated the passage rocks lined the walls floor and ceiling, suddenly an eel swam into view its jaw open wide. the girl screamed letting all the air out of her lungs, she then instictivly swam up, I grabbed her leg and pulled her down to my level, then locked my mouth to hers, she struggled for a moment, then realised I was pushing air into her mouth, she breathed it in and then we seperated I could feel I had little air left, my lungs pounded at my chest so hard that it hurt, we swam on, I started to slow, I could feel my lungs and heart giving up, hypathermya I thought. the girl turned around and grabbed my arm and started to pull me along, I pushed her off me and screamed for her to go, letting the last air escape. I was going to die, she looked at me for a moment saying thank you with her eyes, she then swam off, I felt my self sink and float, powerless to move, then my vision faded.

 

A newly wedded couple sat on the river bed with two cups of wine staring at the red-orange sunset at the calm water, suddenly some bubbles broke the surface followed by more bubbles, and then a girl with brown hair broke the surface and floated to shore, the couple ran up to her and pulled her on to the dry land, the man pushed her on her back and moved the blood staind hair off her face and immediatly peformed CPR while the woman dialed 911.


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Comments:

WOW. I was instantly sucked into this suspenseful story. I love the twist on the ending! Keep writing...I want to read more of your work.
-Liv

Posted: Dec 31, 2007

Author Comment:

thank you, and i will keep writing, if you want to read more go to my page, i have lots:)

WOW!
That is amazing Ben, but did the boy have to die? That was the saddest part....
At least the little girl was saved! :DDDDDDD
Great story, you just keep getting better and better! :D

Posted: Dec 31, 2007

Author Comment:

well yes the boy had to die, it wouldn't make sense if he didn't coz if the hypothermia didn't get him he would have drowned. thanks for commenting:)

Wow, this was really really good!! I enjoyed it alot, and the suspense was great!

Posted: Jan 14, 2008

Author Comment:

thanks.

I enjoyed it, but I think it could have had more of a storyline. like what happened for them to get into this mess?

Posted: Jan 29, 2008

Author Comment:

When i wrote this my aim was to write a short and simple story that make people think about what has happened and whats going to happen to the characters. what happened is for you to decide, but i suppose i could have written a longer story with a start, middle and end.

I agree with Dragonheart Other than that its a really good story!!! Gottie

Posted: Feb 15, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks Gottie, like i said to Dragonheart, my aim wasn't to write a long story, it was to write a short, but good one.

You achieved your purpose of a short story. No beginning needed or the rest of it for that fact. I enjoyed it very much. Onto another piece.

~DarkFairy~

Posted: Mar 4, 2008

Author Comment:

THank you dark fairy, im glad you enjoyed it!

This was intense! You had my attention from the very beginning to the very end. I was all like... "No-no! Don't die little girl...," and you ended it with such a sweet (yet sad) and gorgeous ending. Wow, this is so different from what I usually see in short stories-- I love it^_^. It stirred the deep chocolatey depths within me!

Lot's of chocolate to you,

Ghiradelli Girl.

Posted: Mar 11, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks, :) glad you liked it!

Life and death it’s all about choices and I can tell by the way you write that every charater has a little part of what makes you so speical. One dies so that another may live, it’s the cycle of life and the way you portrayed that here was brilliant. The story didn’t need a beginning, a true writer knows that a good story begins in the middle… MD

Posted: Jun 22, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you, I do try and place a little of myself in each charicter! I agree, I don't think it needed a beginning either!

mk, first, im commenting on this now caus eit was in your best writing category in your bio :)
ok, second, this was really really good, except it was totally sad. i mean, idd the guy have to die? but ill answer this myself: yes, he did, in order to save the girl he didnt even know. i thought that was the point that revelaed that he was a true hero, giving his life for someone he didnt know. but i also think that the girl is a hero in her own way. she stayed alive when her family was dead and respected his last wishes. wow, im just rambling :)

Posted: Sep 13, 2008

Author Comment:

YES! that's the point exactly. The first purpose of a writer is to entertain, the second is to teach. Honestly, all the characters where heroes, the girl become she had the courage to try save herself, not just sit and die with her family. The man for giving up his life for the girl, and the couple for rushing right to the rescue. Yes, it is sad, but think about it for a moment. Isn't it a 'happy' story when you dig deep?



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