The Beginning of the end
Today was the beginning of an awful day. It was my first day back to school since it happened. The death of my whole world. Someone very important to me. I'll tell you who it was later. First let's start from the beginning. 12 days after my 16th birthday, I sound out I was pregnant. I was regretting it. If the wrong people found out, everyone in the whole school would know about my secret I was hiding in my stomach. Eventually they found out. Everyone mock and teased me. They said "look its Annie the $5 hooker." I was miserable. I hated my life and the fact that I took birth control and it didn't work. All this calling names and making fun of me made me think maybe I should abort the baby. After all whats was I going to do tell them that they was an accident that I didn't mean to have them? They fact of a little human being growing inside me just sent chills down my spine. Was I ready to be a mom? Could I take on the responsibility? I don't even have a job. My mom has food stamps.
7 months went by I found out I have a healthy baby girl. "What are you going to name her" the nurse asked? Liberty I replied. By this time I had come to the conclusion that I like the fact of being pregnant. The kids in school thought other wise. They would put a shirt under their coats and say " look I'm Annie and I'm prego." " you should be on 16 and pregnant. Every time I felt good about having this baby something would make me wish I would have said no that night. I slowly patted my stomach and said "its OK Liberty mommy loves you." Some how I knew my baby could hear me, she always kick ever so slightly. That gave me hope that I was loved by my little one.
Finally in my 9th month of being pregnant I was sure I wanted this baby. I wanted her more than I could ever explain. Just thinking about all this made me feel sick. I asked to go to the nurse and she called an ambulance I was being rushed to the hospital when they said my water broke. I found out later that thats a phrase for your going to have the baby. I have the worst contractions ever. It felt like I was going to die. They finally got me to the hospital and took me into this big room with lost of equipment in it. I remember thinking what in the world is that do? AHHH another contraction came. The nurse finally came in and injected me with this really long needle into my spine. It stopped the pain for a while at least.
My beautiful baby girl was born at 6:45 P.M. She weighted 6 pounds and 8 ounces. They sat her on my chest and I got to look into her eyes. She was beautiful. She had blonde hair and blue eyes. She looked just like me when I was born. I signed my name to the birth certificate but left the father line blank because he left when he found out I was pregnant. Liberty Bell was your name. It just had a ring to it. I loved it.
Two days later you and I got to go home. Mama and Uncle Charley was there to meet me. They had fixed up the nursery for me. It had pink walls and a white crib and a lot of baby clothes. I cried. I wanted Liberty's life to be perfect with me. Especially me being a single mom. Mom and Uncle Charley told me they were going to Florida to get Liberty a new car seat and me some oranges.
Two weeks later I bathed my baby, fed her and put her down to bed. I was so tired she hadn't slept since she got home. Finally Liberty fell asleep so I decided to sleep as well. I finally wake up. I look over the clock says its 7:00 A.M. Wow how come Liberty didn't wake up last night? I thought to myself its OK mama or Uncle Charley is probably in there feeding her. Then I closed my eyes. I finally realized that Mama and Uncle Charley are in Florida. I ran into my baby's room, and there it was my baby's body lying where I put her to sleep. I ran over to see if she was breathing. No she wasn't. In fact her body was hard as a rock. She had been dead for a while. I called 911 and they came. I found out she died from SIDS. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. There was nothing I could do. The doctor told me that it wasn't my fault, but I knew somehow it was. My baby was dead and I could have done something about it. We buried her in a very nice cemetery. I carried the casket all by myself.
Its been 2 months since my baby girl died. Now I am returning from school for the first time in since she was born. I thought maybe everyone would leave me alone and forget about all that happened. I found each day was hard because they called me baby killer. I didn't kill my baby. Still they mock me and tease me. I didn't do anything wrong. Still to this day I'm reminded of my baby's little face. I'm reminded that SIDS was the beginning of the end of my life. Even if it wasn't my fault.
The Beginning of the end