Many individuals, including myself, can have the hardest time doing the simplest of tasks. For some, its saying goodbye, some find a swarm of butterflies have held their stomach captive when the go and give a public speech, or maybe there is those who find a challenge out of being quiet. There isn't enough time in our lives to go over this massive list of fears and troubling situations. I myself feel like there is nothing to be afraid of in this world. I am more than capable to go to a movie theater and see a freaky movie and walk out just fine.
My problem holds out in a much more powerful position. This bizarre feeling inside me goes into how I look at others and feel in their shoes. I try and look for the troubles of someone's life. I see their life as my own. The downside to this would be I see replays of my past in a third person perfective. I don't see it from my own eyes. I have to look at everything from a distance and watch as the world unfolds around me.
If you understand or have this third person perspective yourself, then you might be able to see this issue with it. How are you able to see life for what it really is if you're now taking the life form of some bird? Being the "Eyes in the Sky" is great and all, but what about my own life? I would like to live it awake and asleep. But I can't. I can't because I have these eyes that won't allow me to look into my own. I am but a different set of eyes in the same situation through my own mind.
To then complete the simple task of looking into my future and pick a lifestyle has become an impossible task. I start out by imagining myself far out in the future where I'm done with life. No such luck with me, but hey, I get to see someone else in my head lying back in an old rocker. I move down to marriage. I don't see me with a child or any love in that future. I can't imagine this happiness of finding true love. I see it all the time with neighbors or in a TV series and I can't see it in my own eyes because of this "Curse" if you will. I can only plan for the next exact moment of my life and nothing further beyond. I can look into my past as far as the day or the night before.
If there was someone else there, I can remember it so perfectly it's scary. When I am alone, which is a good chunk of the time (I am genetically depressed), I get this massive memory shortage. I don't mind it at first, but after the few years I have been alive, it has become so painful to see this emptiness inside me. There's nothing that will fill my once happy heart with love, nothing to bring tears to these eyes that only saw salt in some recipe for a backed good. The hardest part of this life, is fear. Fear has become nothing in my dried up eyes. No amount of spooky popups, graphic aliens, or freaky scenes will ever bring this face to show a spooked out kid.
Who knows? Maybe it's the movies that are being passed, or the videogames that are seen, or even society. Could it be that society has completely messed with the minds of the youth that they will stop at nothing to achieve their innermost desires? Wasn't it simpler when our life was laid out in front of us and we only had to walk the path? Or was it nice being able to pick our position in this weird world even if it meant that a portion would just be lazy and find work at something that was never part of their plan?
So to wake up every morning and see nothing but another day filled with unknown potential to bring a smirk or more empty tears to my face is a painful challenge. So what I ask to those who has read so is, How can you love what tomorrow brings when this could have been the last time you saw your loved one or this could be your own end?
Was It Hope? I find it to be a quite sneaky son of a gun.
Or was it that you can't know and you just have to believe?
I'd like to think it might have been that you wake up every day and look in the mirror and see someone who could find his calling card or potential and it may not be today or tomorrow but you just need to wait and maybe, just maybe, you'll find that thing your heart and soul crave with a passion.
But hey, what do I know? I'm only a kid, right?