I always knew there was a time where everything was going to change. A time where suddenly my mother would tell my sisters and I to stop playing in the field of flowers and to come inside. Our house was located in a desolate town in Ireland, and I can't tell you the name of the town because all you should know is that I used to call it home, a place where we were surrounded by nature and beautiful animals. My older brothers Arthur and Desmond would always go horseback riding and I'd always watch them eagerly. The green grass, white patches of flowers, rustling of the trees as your speed increased, and all I could do was watch them. My older sisters Anna, Eva and I used to play with rabbits and we sat in the piles of hay searching for things in the clouds during the day and counting the stars at night. Sometimes it would get lonely and boring being in a place with very little people and sometimes I loved the tranquility.
Eva was a free spirited girl. I'd sometimes watch her and think how brave she was, and also clever. She didn't even need death to keep her secrets safe. She had long light curls of blonde hair and dark eyelashes. She had brown eyes like chocolate and had freckles over her perfectly curved nose. She always stood out from the other girls and frequently heard love confessions. Our maid Ida would bring secret letters to Eva's room and I'd watch as she read them anxiously, biting her lip and twirling her hair. Eva would sneak out of her room and meet with a boy named Tomas, even though she was only seventeen. Mother never found out. Father would frequently give my sisters and I lectures about staying "pure" and that was before he was unfaithful to mother.
Soon enough, Arthur and Desmond married and moved away. We were lucky if we saw them more than 5 times each year. Our parents would fight a lot, and father promised to never see that woman again. After everything mother became very strict and I won't lie, I sometimes feared her a lot. Eva continued sneaking around with Tomas and stopped playing with Anna and I. Anna was a more responsible girl. She could always be found curled on the couch and lost in a book. She was the second eldest daughter, but Mother and father praised her for her knowledge and matureness. Unlike Eva who was stubborn and self concerned, Anna was gentle and generous for a fifteen year old. If she wasn't learning, then she was helping someone. She also stood out from the crowd too, especially when she wore blue colors. Anna had long wavy brown hair and beautiful blue eyes, and she had a clear white oval face. My sisters both looked like goddesses so much that it was hard for me to imagine that any person would ever think otherwise.
I was the youngest child in the family until my mother had a son. Aiden was a curious child. He always wanted to wander around and explore areas, even those that he knew were too dangerous to be near. One day, when I was 13 and Aiden was 9, he went wandering off into the forest... and I secretly followed. When he saw me he started to run and suddenly I felt a rush of fear and my heart started pounding and I was nervous. I knew what would happen if I didn't catch him. He was the precious and beloved Aiden that my parents treasured. They always wanted a third son and I didn't know what would happen if he ever got hurt. I saw Aiden climb a tall tree and as he worked his way up, he sat on a branch and grabbed an apple to eat.
"Hey, Myrna! Want an apple?" he called out as I grasped for breath.
"No, Aiden. Please come down and don't make me worry. You know it's dangerous to climb such a tree. We're going to get in trouble," I pleaded.
"It's okay, Myrna. Just stop worrying," he said laughing. As Aiden went to take another bite from the apple, a worm crawled out and he dropped the apple in disgust. I tried to run as fast as I could, but all I could see was Aiden losing his balance and falling backwards from the branch onto to the ground. Suddenly, the summer air felt cold and I felt the darkness and fear creep up my spine. I ran to him and picked him up, he was unconscious and all I could do was sob my way home and call father. As father disappeared into the field with his horse my mother came outside sorrowful.
"Mother, I tried to stop him. He wouldn't listen-" she gave me a disgusted look before her cold hand slapped me across the face.
"If he never wakes up, I will never forgive you," she said in disgruntlement. I've never felt such coldness from my mother before. After that incident, I always felt like an outsider in my own home. My sisters focused on themselves and the family tore apart. On Eva's nineteenth birthday, she claimed she loved Tomas and that she was going to marry him. When father disapproved and threatened to beat her with a belt, she quickly packed her things and left. Without a goodbye or even a farewell letter. Anna on the other hand turned seventeen and was sent to England to study. As for Aiden, I visit his grave sometimes, but I can't find the words to say. Was it really my fault? He, after all is the reason why I've experienced such displeasure and bitterness in my heart. He is the reason I have so many scars on my body and so much sorrow. Feeling like I'd be more suitable on a farm than with my own family.
With all my siblings gone, the house consisted of only my parents and I. Father would constantly drink and mother would sit in her rocking chair and look through the window. She would look at me with icy blue eyes. I tried my best to study well like Anna. I couldn't bear the darkness at home anymore. The pain would lay on my heart and I felt ashamed of myself. Always blaming myself for Aiden's death. One day, I told mother that a letter from Anna came. As she opened it, her eyes gleamed and after such a long time, I saw see her finally smile.
"What does it say, mother?" I asked hoping to use the opportunity to fix the bond between us. She stared at me for a few seconds, observing me and I didn't know what she was thinking. Then she let out words that I will never forget. Words that drove me away. Words that scarred me. Words that left me feeling so broken and helpless...
"Family matters don't concern you. I despise your existence,".
When I turned eighteen, I finished school and mother kicked me out of the house. I decided to sell enough jewelry to get me to England, where I thought was better than being in Ireland. I planned to find Anna and live with her for a while. I checked into a hotel and later found Anna and she was living with a guy. This side of Anna I didn't know, but she seemed very happy. This guy had tattoos and drank beer with his shirt off. I didn't ask Anna about him though, but I just couldn't bare staying there longer. She looked really happy and I didn't want to burden her with myself. I pretended to have visited her and see how she was. In reality, I just needed arms around me to comfort me. I walked around near a beach and sat in the sand. I took out my notepad and began writing and soon placed it in my bag. I really didn't have much with me at the time. I looked around and couldn't help feel more depressed when I saw happy families gathered around. I wish I had that. I wondered how Eva was doing. I didn't hear from her ever since she left. I thought of Arthur and Desmond and how happy they must be with their wives and kids. I walked back to the hotel and stood in the mirror. My reflection was that of a girl with straight red hair, light blue eyes, tall, pale, and skinny. I looked at my hands and touched my face... I was here. Alive, breathing, suffering. I kept asking my self, how did I get here? It was almost as if I caught myself in a dream.
I didn't sleep that night. My mind wouldn't stop replaying the last 6 years. I've had enough and I knew I wasn't ever getting anywhere far. I took a pen and wrote on single piece of paper:
I should have been the one to leave first, but that's okay because I shall dive into my death. - M
I walked to the large bridge over the body of water. I'm going to stand on the edge and look down. The wind will be in my hair, I'll feel my heart throbbing more than now. I am going to do it. I anticipate my body falling into the warm water, where my suffering will soon end. This is what I want. And as I loosen my grip, I'm going to close my eyes and remember every beautiful thing I ever saw in my short lived life. So that when I dive into my death, the last thing I will think of are nothing but beautiful and pleasurable thoughts...