You look at her again, trying to make certain, as if waiting to hear some God almighty voice in your head, say…  “Yes, she is dead”.  You hear no sound, no voice, no nothing; you just stand there.  Your face is white, whiter than hers, and you look like you’ve seen a ghost, just standing there, staring at her cold face.  Squatting down and resting on one knee, you take her hand into yours, just as you took her heart into yours, and her life into yours.  All the time I’m watching you, like some weirdo, perverse, trying to get a piece of the deathly action, to see the bitter sweet look on her face, on yours too.

            You’ve never wanted me.  Brushed me away with the flick of your comb, flicked me hard like I were a needle and you were going to inject me into the wide expanse of world, trying to get all of the air inside of me out.  Trying to squash me for all I was worth.  I’ve always known you were my favourite mistake.

            The ambulance people come rushing over to save her, and I want them to rescue me, I want them to see, to take me back to the hospital with them and try to make me better.  For I am sick.  I tell you all the time, but you never listen.  Nothing I say now will ever make you change, you despise me, and that’s why I’m going to leave you too.  Going to bleed myself dry, hang my life upon the great old Oak tree like my coat upon a peg.

            Then you’ll see, then you’ll realise, and you’ll hear me.  Then you’ll really see a ghost, for I will come to haunt you and never let you be.  Then, you will never be free of me; truly free of this suffocating disease, called ‘me’.

            Right now, they are taking her body into the ambulance van, but she is already dead, I heard them say.  You are in fits of tears, and soon no doubt they will turn to rage, especially when you read this.  For you never could understand me, just laugh at me, and blame me.  Laugh at me for everything that I am, that I’ve become, just sit there and pick fun at me, all the time.  You will read this and think that I am being selfish, but my man, I tell you, it is you.

            Yes, that’s right, by the time you get this I will be gone, then you will look at my cold white face, and you will see my numb lips, as if stained with blueberries, and you will be poisoned by my face.  An image you will never escape.  I want you to know I do love you, as I sit here spying on you, I can feel how much I have loved you for all these years, my Darling.  But I’m spent, this is goodbye!

I’ll always love you Sarah…