Love then Heartbreak

Why do I not know the feelings of love and heartbreak. Why do I only know the feelings of anger, sadness, depression, pain! Why am I not ever as happy, Why do I always have the feeling I shouldnt be happy like I usually am. How can the littlest of things break me down to the tiniest person on earth.

Why do I feel emotional when something someone says hits a nerve. Why do I feel like I cant take what they are saying to me. Why do I feel like I cant defend myself. Why do I feel like no one else understands me or what I am feeling. Why cant I understand it, I meant they are my feelings. So why cant I understand them..

Why does it occur to me that cant see my emotions. Why cant they sense something is wrong. Why do I feel soo goddamn alone? I dont understand it. Why cant I take it anymore. WHY WHY WHY!??! Why is it sooo obvious they cant understand why I am always so guarded. Why cant they understand what I am going through. Why when I confront the pain, I cant take it. Why when I think of the things that hurt me, I feel like they were all my fault.

Why do I always feel like its my fault or I did something wrong. Why cant I forget it and let it all go. Why cant I let myself cry my eyes out anymore. Why do I feel numb and express no emotions. Why cant I ever allow myself to let myself think about the pain. Is there only one answer to this, I cant take all the pain that life has laid upon me. I cant take the feel of when the pain creeps into my already full mind.

Why do I always try to hide my emotions. Is it because I dont want people to see me hurting or emotional? Or is it because if I do I have to feel and think of the pain... why why why why why why??? those are my only questions.