Tall and lean, I saw him stand, so perfectly straight. A lone figure against the breathtaking scenery spread before him. The ocean was reflecting the starry night above. The moonlight was far much brighter than his weary expression. My heart bled for him, what he had been through and witnessed was more than enough for any person. Death was never taken with a smile. As if sensing my presence he, Stan turned his head ever so slightly. I stilled and willed my breathing to remain soft as ever, I tried to hide. Then when I had composed myself I called out tentively.
“Don’t you wanna come in now? Everyone’s gone”.
He turned back as if observing the view, but his eyes were blank, looking but not seeing
I took another breath in, wanting to speak,but suddenly he cut me off
he spoke the words softly yet the pain struck, sharp as ever. I breathed in gradually , trying to block out the emotions I was also feeling.
“Why?” he saidagain.
How could I reply to that question, was there any real answer?.
“Maybe she just couldn’t handle it anymore”
“What” he spat out bitterly “life?”
Facing me with his flashing eyes, I faltered.
The vision still left me reeling, still left a metallic taste in my mouth. My mother’s unresponsive body lying on our kitchen floor, FLASH, the blinking lights of the ambulance, FLASH, the phone still in my hand as I made the call, FLASH, the hard face of the police officer trying to break the heavy news lightly to us, FLASH, “suicide” “suicide” “suicide!” the words booming in my ears, overpowering the crash of the waves. I looked upwards and silently mouthed the words to the heavens “why?” Maybe God would be able to help with an answer. Stan had taken her death worse than me. Then again he was always closer to her. She used to say he was the splitting image of our dad and I was a painfull reminder of his death. After my dad was murdered things were never the same in our family. We were broken, forever. My mother took the force with full impact. She had to cope as a single mother with no profession. Things were hard ever since. I guess she really couldn’t survive without our father ,the result- she had taken her own life. And now Stan and I was going to suffer.
i was done with pain, done with emotion done with, with FEELING!
I don’t want to need anyone. I don’t want to lean on anyone. Because they all will let me down and leave me, alone.
My mother, classic example, The coward!
she deserted me and I needed her, perhaps the most.
Now All I have is Stan.
At least I won’t be alone.
I don’t know Where my next meal’s coming from.
I don’t know Whose home I’m going to live in.
I don’t know where I’m heading next…
This is my life, if you can call it one.