Tall and lean, I
saw him stand, so perfectly straight. A lone figure against the
breathtaking scenery spread before him. The ocean was reflecting
the starry night above. The moonlight was far much brighter than
his weary expression. My heart bled for him, what he had been
through and witnessed was more than enough for any person. Death
was never taken with a smile. As if sensing my presence he, Stan
turned his head ever so slightly. I stilled and willed my
breathing to remain soft as ever, I tried to hide. Then when I
had composed myself I called out tentively.
wanna come in now? Everyone's gone".
He turned back
as if observing the view, but his eyes were blank,
looking but not seeing
I took another breath in, wanting to speak,but
suddenly he cut me off
he spoke the
words softly yet the pain struck, sharp as ever. I breathed in
gradually , trying to block out the emotions I was also
"Why?" he saidagain.
How could I
reply to that question, was there any real answer?.
just couldn't handle it anymore"
he spat out
Facing me with
his flashing eyes, I faltered.
The vision still
left me reeling, still left a metallic taste in my mouth. My
mother's unresponsive body lying on our kitchen floor,
FLASH, the blinking lights of the ambulance, FLASH,
the phone still in my hand as I made the call, FLASH, the
hard face of the police officer trying to break the heavy news
lightly to us, FLASH, "suicide" "suicide" "suicide!" the
words booming in my ears, overpowering the crash of the waves. I
looked upwards and silently mouthed the words to the heavens
"why?" Maybe God would be able to help with an answer. Stan had
taken her death worse than me. Then again he was always closer to
her. She used to say he was the splitting image of
our dad and I was a painfull reminder of his death. After my dad
was murdered things were never the same in our family. We were
broken, forever. My mother took the force with full impact. She
had to cope as a single mother with no profession. Things were
hard ever since. I guess she really couldn't survive without our
father ,the result- she had taken her own life. And now Stan and
I was going to suffer.
i was done with
pain, done with emotion done with, with FEELING!
don't want to need anyone. I don't want to lean on anyone.
Because they all will let me down and leave me,
classic example, The coward!
me and I needed her, perhaps the most.
Now All I have
At least I won't
I don't know
Where my next meal's coming from.
I don't know Whose home I'm
going to live in.
I don't know
where I'm heading next…
This is my
life, if you can call it one.