The Patience of Job
"Hello my deary, how has your day been?"
"My day has been really interesting sir. What can I help you with today?"
"Well love, some pecker crashed into me car today. I tell you, these young ones of today, totally reckless, just totally reckless."
"So would you like to file a claim sir?"
"File a complaint? You don even know this lad, how can I be complaining to you about him. No no me love, I wanna file a claim."
"That is exactly what I said sir. If you give me your client number, I will be able to help you quickly."
"Me client number? Do I have such a thing? Only have a personal identity number I think."
"That will be good enough also. Sir…?"
"Are you waiting for me my love?"
"I was waiting for your personal identity number, sir."
"Oh yeah, forgive me my love, age does wonders to the brain. Just you wait a wee moment and I will get that number for you."
"Sir are you still there?"
"Ugh, this old book was buried way up in the attic. Have you ever seen the insides of a deer that was just mangled by a bear me love? No wait, or was that the look in a bear's eye just before he mangles the deer? Anyway! You get the picture my love, now that is how dark that attic is."
"Okay…, if you just give me the details, we can be finishing this claim in the next half an hour, hopefully."
"What was that you said me love?"
"I was hoping you could give me your identity number?"
"Ah, the number. Almost forgot me love. It is 1306050089081."
"Mister Abrahams. Before we continue sir, I just wanted to congratulate you on your birthday! I see that you are 94 today?"
"Yes me love and still having a strong bone I tell you."
"You are lucky to still have strong bones. My grandmother fractured her hip last year due to brittle bones and she is much younger than you."
"I didn't say bones, I said bone. Boner! Don you young ones know anything?"
"Umm, sorry sir, I seem to have something stuck in my throat, could you just hold on for one second?"
"So are you better now love, don want you to choke while talking to me. Reminds me of the time Mandy almost choked while she was giving me a…"
"Well mister Abrahams, could you please tell me your account of what happened."
"But I wasn't finished with me story of Mandy! Well if you insist love, guess I will have to finish that story later. You see I was driving on the highway just minding my business when this wee pecker just bumps into me."
"So this person crashed into the rear of your car?"
"No love, he hit the front."
"So it was a head-on collision?"
"No love, he hit me front with his rear."
"Mister Abrahams, I must just remind you if the details you give are not correct, it will influence the payment/non-payment of this claim."
"Okay, you got me love. No need to jump on your high and mighty horse. You want the full story, than I will give it to you me love. Well I was driving down the freeway when me phone starts ringing. I could see on that white shining thingy it was Martha. Now that lady has got the hots for me! It seems she can't leave me boner alone."
"Could we just stick to the details of the accident sir?"
"Well, I was driving down the freeway answering me phone, when I suddenly got this itch in me crotch. Have you ever had "the clap" my child?"
"I said have you ever had "the clap"? Venereal disease they call it nowadays. Me love, you feel like burning your balls off with a blowtorch, that's how itchy it is. But you being female, you must have had thrush before? Me wife always said it felt like she could "scratch out her pussy with a fork". Sorry for the foul language me love, was only quoting my late departed wife. Well where was I now..?
"The car bumped you in the front? And could we please just stick to the details of the accident."
"You are way ahead lovey, I was still busy scratching me crotch, when the damned phone fell out of me hand. That was when I bend forward to try and pick it up."
"And so you bumped into the car in front."
"Not yet me love. You see I have osteo-arthritis the doc said. Couldn't bend me damn back one bit, so I tried to reach the phone with me foot."
"And then you accidentally stepped on the accelerator and bumped into the car in front of you?"
"No me love, as I was trying to reach the phone, my left hand accidentally pulled me zipper up and me boner got zipped in my pants. That was when I accidentally accelerated. The wee pecker in front of me braked and crashed into me car."
"Are you sure his brake lights were on sir?"
"Now don you try and be prissy with me love. I still have good eyesight, and I say his lights were on."
"Sorry sir I did not mean to sound condescending. Please continue."
"Well, that was the end of the story me love. Just get that pecker to fix me car."
"Our lawyers will first review your statement and have a look at the police docket… I forgot to ask if you reported this accident to the police mister Abrahams."
"We had to me love. The officer had to help the paramedic to get me out of the car without further damage to me boner."
"Are you alright now mister Abrahams?"
"Only a flesh wound me love, that dear old nursey in the emergency room took extra great care of me, I daresay me boner still works!"
"Well I am sort of glad. We will be contacting you soon to give you an update on your claim."
"Me love, I know I am not covered for personal injury, but do you think I can sue that wee pecker for causing me to have premature ejaculation?"
"Didn't think so too, will just have to tell Martha to be strong. Why, I also knew a Cindy once, just as sweet as you me love. Now Cindy use to give a great …"
"I have to go now mister Abrahams."
"Well if you have to me love. You said you had a grandma, maybe you can hook us up me love. I have mastered boning brittle bones with a minimal amount of pressure. Quite good at it, I daresay."
"I would love to introduce you, but I really have to go now. Goodbye, mister Abrahams."
"Goodbye, me love."
"Impeccable Insurers, Cindy speaking. How can I make your day a better day."
"Hi Cindy, my name is mister Hendricks, I want to lodge a claim. This old geezer bumped into my brand new Mercedes Benz! Geezz! Why do they still allow old-timers on the road? "