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A year after emotionally recovery.

Submitted:Jun 24, 2014    Reads: 12    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   

"The past follows you wherever you go. You just decide to let it affect you or not."
It's been a year since my life became this messy unwanted thing of big troubles. After a year, I've realized all the changes, I've realized how much one person can affect you. How much you could change in one year. You don't know who you are onto you lose yourself. I lost myself last year. I let myself go because depression, mistakes, and other's people words were more than what I could take. The old me broke, and it wasn't good or easy.
A year ago I was most likely writing, crying, and hating my life. A year ago, I messed up badly because I couldn't let the past go. I go into the world of drugs, I got into alcohol, I became a complete different person. Doing drugs and drinking didn't really help me feel better, it actually made me feel worst and to numb the pain I would continue doing drugs and drinking just to forget the guilt and all the pain. I got drunk in school once, I'm not sure how I didn't get caught. I took my FCAT for reading stoned as hell. I had taken a pill. A year after, I've realized how stupid I was.
Getting caught in this mess was terrible. I had started to do this stuff to forget about my troubles but this stuff caused me even more trouble. The day my parents found out will forever be engraved into my memory. Their reactions were the worst, they didn't hit me, or scream at me, or bitch at me. They just couldn't believe their little girl had done that stuff. I made many mistakes while doing drugs and alcohol. I don't know, how I'm still alive honestly. I put myself in situations that I could have probably died in. Thankfully I didn't. The day I got caught, reality slapped me across the face. I realized how stupid I was being and how my mistakes had affected everyone around me. My friends who knew were constantly trying to get me out. It devastated my parents finding out I had entered the world that I had promised so many times not to go into.
My physiologist once asked me if I regretted it. I intimately answered. "I regret hurting the people I mostly loved, I regret doing drugs and drinking but I can't change that now." After giving my answer I started to cry my physiologist response was "we're all humans we all make mistakes, you couldn't let go of the past and you put yourself in a bad place. Many people don't regret their mistakes and that makes them bad people. You Sarita, aren't a bad person you are the opposite, you're a good person because you feel others pain, and you actually do regret." That day I realized all I had to do is let go of the past to be able to move on. I didn't consider myself a good person but her words helped me.
Summer 2k13 was hell for me, I would cry myself to sleep. I would hate everything I've done. I thought my "best friend's" reason of not talking to me was my fault. In reality it wasn't, he was just a douche bag. Three months slowly went by and I was recovering a bit emotionally I wasn't okay though. I was better just not okay. The only three friends I trusted with my everything I kept by my side that summer. They helped but I was still hating myself at the end of the day. I would think it was my fault. I would think I deserved everything that was happening to me because I was such a terrible person.
August slowly came around and school started. I was anxious as hell because I had to face all the things I had avoided for three long months. At first, I thought things were gonna be okay, I had made the decision to focus in school and cheerleading. Nothing else was important for me. Then, came the problems... Around September, I started feeling bad again. My need to die started coming back. I wanted an escape and nothing was giving it to me. I decided to do drugs again, I asked my friend to get me a pill that was five dollars. He agreed, he had to go through my old dealer. He knew about my depression pills and said no. I then said that he had to find a way to get it. Many of my friends had found out and they were all trying to convince me not to do it because I was just driving myself back to the hell hole. My mom later finds out because she receives a call from a friend of mine warning her. That same friend had convinced me not to do it but he spoke to me after he spoke to my mother.
My mom pretend to be sick the next day and didn't let me go to school because she needed "help" to take care of my sister because she didn't feel good. At this point, I had called the deal off. The next day in the morning I'm about to start getting ready for school and my mom calls me into her room and tells me she seriously needs to speak to me. I instantly knew what it was about, I saw it in her eyes. After that day, I promised to never do drugs again. I took a backtrack emotionally but I made the right decision eventually.
Weeks after I realized one of my closest friends was fake, she stopped talking to me. We basically went our own way. After that, I had a huge fight with my other close friend and that was just the end for me. I decided I either died or I moved schools. One night after being done with homework. I went online and applied to three different schools. I took a test for International Studies and got accepted there and to iMater. I decided on ISCHS by November 12, 2013 I was at a new school.
The month past and I met many amazing people, reconnected with old friends. I slowly became the real me. I left behind the bad ass who started fights, the bad girl who did drugs and drank onto she could throw up. I fully recovered emotionally and became actually happy.
A year later, I'm reading over all my entries and wondering why the hell I thought I wasn't gonna get through it. A year later, I realize my suicide attempts shouldn't have been done because life is beautiful and at the end of the day you always get out of all those messes. I've became who I really am. I've realized that my writing isn't just to express and let my feelings go but it's also something I love to do and hope it will help other teens out. A year later, I'm fully happy. I'm myself, I'm not broken, I'm not hurt. I'm finally me. It took a year of recovery but it was worth it.


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