"The past follows you
wherever you go. You just decide to let it affect you or not."
It's been a year since my life became this messy unwanted thing
of big troubles. After a year, I've realized all the changes,
I've realized how much one person can affect you. How much you
could change in one year. You don't know who you are onto you
lose yourself. I lost myself last year. I let myself go because
depression, mistakes, and other's people words were more than
what I could take. The old me broke, and it wasn't good or easy.
A year ago I was most likely writing, crying, and hating my life.
A year ago, I messed up badly because I couldn't let the past go.
I go into the world of drugs, I got into alcohol, I became a
complete different person. Doing drugs and drinking didn't really
help me feel better, it actually made me feel worst and to numb
the pain I would continue doing drugs and drinking just to forget
the guilt and all the pain. I got drunk in school once, I'm not
sure how I didn't get caught. I took my FCAT for reading stoned
as hell. I had taken a pill. A year after, I've realized how
stupid I was.
Getting caught in this mess was terrible. I had started to do
this stuff to forget about my troubles but this stuff caused me
even more trouble. The day my parents found out will forever be
engraved into my memory. Their reactions were the worst, they
didn't hit me, or scream at me, or bitch at me. They just
couldn't believe their little girl had done that stuff. I made
many mistakes while doing drugs and alcohol. I don't know, how
I'm still alive honestly. I put myself in situations that I could
have probably died in. Thankfully I didn't. The day I got caught,
reality slapped me across the face. I realized how stupid I was
being and how my mistakes had affected everyone around me. My
friends who knew were constantly trying to get me out. It
devastated my parents finding out I had entered the world that I
had promised so many times not to go into.
My physiologist once asked me if I regretted it. I intimately
answered. "I regret hurting the people I mostly loved, I regret
doing drugs and drinking but I can't change that now." After
giving my answer I started to cry my physiologist response was
"we're all humans we all make mistakes, you couldn't let go of
the past and you put yourself in a bad place. Many people don't
regret their mistakes and that makes them bad people. You Sarita,
aren't a bad person you are the opposite, you're a good person
because you feel others pain, and you actually do regret." That
day I realized all I had to do is let go of the past to be able
to move on. I didn't consider myself a good person but her words
Summer 2k13 was hell for me, I would cry myself to sleep. I would
hate everything I've done. I thought my "best friend's" reason of
not talking to me was my fault. In reality it wasn't, he was just
a douche bag. Three months slowly went by and I was recovering a
bit emotionally I wasn't okay though. I was better just not okay.
The only three friends I trusted with my everything I kept by my
side that summer. They helped but I was still hating myself at
the end of the day. I would think it was my fault. I would think
I deserved everything that was happening to me because I was such
a terrible person.
August slowly came around and school started. I was anxious as
hell because I had to face all the things I had avoided for three
long months. At first, I thought things were gonna be okay, I had
made the decision to focus in school and cheerleading. Nothing
else was important for me. Then, came the problems... Around
September, I started feeling bad again. My need to die started
coming back. I wanted an escape and nothing was giving it to me.
I decided to do drugs again, I asked my friend to get me a pill
that was five dollars. He agreed, he had to go through my old
dealer. He knew about my depression pills and said no. I then
said that he had to find a way to get it. Many of my friends had
found out and they were all trying to convince me not to do it
because I was just driving myself back to the hell hole. My mom
later finds out because she receives a call from a friend of mine
warning her. That same friend had convinced me not to do it but
he spoke to me after he spoke to my mother.
My mom pretend to be sick the next day and didn't let me go to
school because she needed "help" to take care of my sister
because she didn't feel good. At this point, I had called the
deal off. The next day in the morning I'm about to start getting
ready for school and my mom calls me into her room and tells me
she seriously needs to speak to me. I instantly knew what it was
about, I saw it in her eyes. After that day, I promised to never
do drugs again. I took a backtrack emotionally but I made the
right decision eventually.
Weeks after I realized one of my closest friends was fake, she
stopped talking to me. We basically went our own way. After that,
I had a huge fight with my other close friend and that was just
the end for me. I decided I either died or I moved schools. One
night after being done with homework. I went online and applied
to three different schools. I took a test for International
Studies and got accepted there and to iMater. I decided on ISCHS
by November 12, 2013 I was at a new school.
The month past and I met many amazing people, reconnected with
old friends. I slowly became the real me. I left behind the bad
ass who started fights, the bad girl who did drugs and drank onto
she could throw up. I fully recovered emotionally and became
A year later, I'm reading over all my entries and wondering why
the hell I thought I wasn't gonna get through it. A year later, I
realize my suicide attempts shouldn't have been done because life
is beautiful and at the end of the day you always get out of all
those messes. I've became who I really am. I've realized that my
writing isn't just to express and let my feelings go but it's
also something I love to do and hope it will help other teens
out. A year later, I'm fully happy. I'm myself, I'm not broken,
I'm not hurt. I'm finally me. It took a year of recovery but it
was worth it.