Needing help, getting nothing by Jennifer McLaren
It started nearly 2 years ago, didn't bug me much, now and then I'd get a little bit of pain, what am i talking about? My back. I lead a normal life , typical teenage girl , going to school and even had a part time job in a pet shop , the pay was awful but I did it to make my parents proud , but little did I know my life was about to change drastically for better and for worse.
I met my fiancée Craig in August 2010 , we were friends for a month then as time went on our friendship grew into love and he's now a big part of my life , we see each other pretty much every day , I love him . School was going great, but let's skip too June 2011.
You always hear about someone being not well don't you? And feeling a small amount of sympathy but deep inside thanking god it's not you or the one's you love right? Well this time it's me and my back, its took the doctors 13 months to finally diagnosed me with spondlolisthesis a back condition effects the bottom of your spine called the lumber vertebrae pulling various tendons and effecting most of the muscles of my back, my legs go numb mostly every day, I can't do normal daily things in life that before I took for granted, like bending down to pick up a towel or lifting some washing up the stairs, my life now is a mess. But what hurts most is when the doctors where getting nowhere they turned on me, suggesting I was making It up - that it was physiological.
I am currently not at school; it all got too much for me, too much stress. Trying to accept this new living way and juggling 5 classes got too tough so I dropped out. Believe me when I say I want to go back , back to everything , my normal life , myself me…but things are moving so slowly , so slowly it's almost as if am living in a bubble , my own little bubble hoping someday it will pop...
So here I am, no job, no school, friends are losing interest, and in a wheelchair couldn't get worse right? Wrong. It's getting worse day by day the energy I had is slipping away, along with my hope. The doctors the people I relied on treat me like dirt hand me another rubbish pain killer and shove me out the door feeling nothing and me? I feel the sinking feeling I always get, disgust,loneliness and isolation. You must be saying to yourself but you have family and a boyfriend who cares? Yes they care but they don't feel the pain I go through every day, every day is a struggle. I try, put some make up I say to myself ,that'll make you feel like you again, the bubbly girl I once was and is trying to be agaisntthis illness that's tearing the life out of me day by day but no at night rubbing the makeup reveals something much worse a scared, fragile little girl thinking what's next.
My mum, she helps all she can, I know she's concerned, she hates it that fact that her daughter is like this. I can see it in her eyes every time she comes to my room, she's terrified of what the future holds, what it holds for me. My boyfriend, Craig, he can't face it he hates It we can't go out like we did before ,even though i have always been there for him facing his problems I think it's hard for him to face this one with me. Can you imagine watching your girlfriend desecrating into a depressed mess?
I forgot to mention one of my best friends, Nicola. Knew her from primary school, we became really close in third year, she's amazing, funny we have a lot in common. Us together remind me of two characters from a cartoon called pinkie and the Brain; me being pinkie and Nicola being the brain. We were so funny together, things aren't the same anymore. When I met Craig me and Nicola distanced, the truth? Because I fell in love, Craig turned into my everything and I pushed Nicola aside, but still loved her and still do, but now with my back we've distanced even more that I can't help, in agony all day and it's hard to travel I can't get the bus because the embarrassment of been rolled onto a bus full of people in a wheel chair scares me or hooping on it with crutches.
Christmas is soon , Craig's told me what he's got me already , that's the thing I love about Craig he can't keep secrets ! The only thing that's been keeping me going is knowing that Craig is coming for Christmas dinner with us this year - us been my family. I've got everyone's Christmas in (well am waiting on the delivery from Avon for my cousin and Laurens stuff. My family, I'll go into more detail I have 3 sisters and 1 gorgeous brother and I love them all those moments that I've felt so low they've brought me up again, me and my dad don't get on - at all, I think he generally hate's me for what ? No reason that I know of.
I love animals; I have 2 hamsters, Donald & Alvin and 1 budgie called Joey he speaks and everything! Sometimes when I am alone they keep me company, sounds cheesy right? But when you've been in my situation for so long you have to adapt .I've always dreamed of owning my own animal business, like a rescue centre and anotherdream of mine's is to be a singer but that will never happen, neither of them will now so I just sit back and my way into the singing world is YouTube, watching Jessie j, Adele and Leona Lewis. One of Jessie's songs touches me most it's called 'big white room' the lyrics in it make me sad but happy because it helps me know that someone like Jessie who is a strong person has been in a situation like me, where she felt scared and just wanted to be 'normal and free' when I sing it's like am in a different world and the loneliness isn't there anymore the music comforts me.
I love writing, I could write for hours about anything. I don't like writing essaysI'm more in to imaginative writing rather than critical I like to just let my imagination take over the things I come up with amazes me butI do like trying new wrting styles out. I've disappointed a lot of people , I know I have , my teachers who believed in me all these years and thought I had potential , I still have I just don't physically have the energy to do it anymore , 'it' being school ,I wish things were different. I often wonder why this has happened to me but the more I ask it the more I think and the more I think about it I get upset so I stop. I don't know if am good at writing but I enjoy it so that's all that matters.
I don't want sympathy, I want to get help I want to get better and go back to me but right now at this point in time it seems impossible. Whoever reads this, my aim was to help you understand having an illness or disability from a young person's point of view and I hope you've seen that and I hope I reached your heart with my writing.