For you Beautiful

Are you serious!!! Is this my alarm sound, is it morning already? Shitty, I was just in such a nice dream, where again did I dreamed about? Forgot it already.. I give myself another 10 seconds to close my eyes and then I get up. 10, 9, 8, 7....... Wow again my alarm, I fell a sleep again! Deb you have to get up now! But it's so cold and I don't want to. Do it!! Jump in your warm Uggies and make yourself a nice hot coffee to wake you up, how you always enjoy it, short & strong and a bit of cold water so you can drink it straight away. Pff you're so right, I have to get up or else I have to hurry and I hate that. (2 minutes awake and already in conflict with myself).

I jump in my Uggies and walk downstairs in my chihuahua pajama and Uggies. A few people are awake already, having breakfast at the big table that is placed in the middle of the living area in the hostel. The table is so different then in the night. So quiet and still a sleep, different then in the evening then words & laughs are flying around from one side to the other, busy and so alive. I like both, even though in the morning I am pretty happy with the sleeping table!

As always I run to the toilet first and do my morning pee. Noooo where is the toilet paper, maybe behind, on top. Shit are you serious again? And now? I take my time to think but have no idea what to do, maybe wait? No I can't just wait, I shake it off. I stand up a bit and start shaking, the next second I fall down back on the toilet from laughing because of what I am doing. Nobody has seen it, so who cares!

I have my coffee outside and listen to some music. Sometimes the birds and the sound of the city that is waking up from behind these walls is enough already. This morning it's music and I listen to Tracy Trapman. (pretty surprised I was a few days ago, I always thought that she is a he, or is that even worse then my toilet adventure?)
As I got lost in my coffee and Tracy I have to start hurrying now before I come late at work. quickly I change my chihuahua pajama for proper work clothes and take everything down with me for my morning ritual. Including my music so I do a little dance while I get myself ready in front of the mirror (Shakira is the best for my morning dance)
I look in the mirror, shit a huge pimple is coming up in the middle of my face, why the middle of my face?.. I knew it, felt it yesterday already. Oh Deb and you really have to go to the gym again tonight, look at those love handles, no wonder you always were such a good swimmer! I turn to my side, oeh but I like your bum, lucky girl are you with a bum like that!

I walk out the door and wave at the owners from the hostel (hoping the other people in the hostel didn't saw that because everybody hates them, I am such an ass-licker sometimes). Finally the moment I have been waiting for, my Red Bull Sugarfree and my sweet sweet bubble gum, that combination just makes me happy & ready for the day, for the finishing touch I take a cigaret. Perfect!! Put my earphones in and enjoy the walk to the train station. Even though I don't like the cold weather, I love it when it's still a little bit cold in the morning and you can feel the sun warming up your skin, my whole body tinkles. I love it the most when I put a lot of mascara on so my lashes are long and thick and then from above the sun comes trough the open places between, softly shining in my eyes. While I am walking I can't help it sometimes to playback the numbers or maybe even dance a little when I wait for the traffic light to go on green. I wave at the girl when we pass each other, every day. First we didn't do any, later we started to smile and now I started waving at her (one time I screamed after her "enjoy your day" she turned around started laughing "thanks you two'') was nice to hear her voice for the first time after weeks seeing her everyday.

Every morning I take the same bus, since the first day there is a guy, probably my age, that always travels in the same bus. He goes in 2 stops after me so we never talked really, we do always smile at each other. He seems like a sweet friendly guy, sometimes I would like to talk with him but sometimes it's just okay the way it is and be silent, no words can have a bigger meaning then words, what I think is perfect. I am always happy to see him, sometimes he's not in the bus and then I am always glad to see him again the next morning. Just to know that everything is okay.

I arrive at work, the first weeks when I walked in I felt always a bit uncomfortable, not because of them as people, honestly very nice people. But because they start working early, at 8.00am and I walk in at 10.30am, I am still dreaming when they start working. just feels unfair, today I am going to make a change for myself so I don't feel uncomfortable anymore. I walk in and do the usual good morning and ask how everything is going. Then I look at my watch and say surprised "oh I am early today" (10.10am) "are you? Do you always start at 10.30?" "yeah it was the easiest when I would start a bit later because in the morning they have a lot of meetings and then I just meet them after when we arrive in the office around the same time" "Wish my boss had meetings in the morning so I could start later" we laugh. Why I said this, she probably never thought about hating me because I start working so late, but I did, so why shouldn't I clear the sky just for myself to feel a little bit better? All happy I walk in to the office.

I meet my two bosses. "He guys goooooodmornuung, howre ya's goung?" I know one of them is hanging out for his hot chocolate. "should I make you a hot chocolate?" "oh Deb if you can do that, I am hanging out" So funny, big business guy who is hanging out for his PA to walk in and make him a hot chocolate how he likes it, hot and steamy and a little bit more chocolate powder then they require on the package, extra sweet. I place his hot chocolate on his desk, "there you go, extra sweet again today, watch out because it's still very hot" Ohhh and then I always feel like cuddling him the big teddy bear. "hahah thanks Deb I love your hot chocolates"

I walk in to my office (YES i have my own office!!! I even have my own private rubbish bin!!) I open up my Inbox to see what is happening today. Oeh an email from iinet, wifi connection? I open it up and start reading, after the first line I feel trouble, it says ''To inform you about your high data use''. I am in big trouble.. I know it's me, Facebook, Hotmail, Wikipedia, reading my daily horoscope, Google, Youtube bla bla bla.. I am shocked and don't know what to do with it yet. I thought the ''FI'' from WIFI was for ''Free Internet''. I decide to print the letter, as soon as I click on ''print'' I sprint to the copy machine so no one else will catch the letter before me. It's too hard, I can't explain it today, I have to think about how I am going to say this. I put it on the bottom of the letter box so I know it will be safe for now till I make up my mind how I am going to tell this.

The day continues, I look at the time and see it is 3pm. My bum starts hurting from sitting on the chair so long and my eyes and brains are starting to twist from all the numbers. I get a little bit restless because I do really feel bored at the moment, and suddenly I start thinking about sex. I can't help myself but as ''little break'' I go to the toilet and masturbate while everybody is seriously working in the office. When I leave the toilet a few minutes after and walk back to my office I sit down and from the inside I am laughing, I feel like rolling on the ground from laughing but I have to behave myself as I know if someone would ask me what's going on I can't lie and I probably will fill the office with the word masturbation what is not a good idea. Did I just really masturbated myself at the toilet in the office?!!! Deb your so funny, I loved it that you just did that, I can truly laugh about myself and be proud at myself for doing that. And I also had my little break exactly where I wished for.
(Sorry mom and dad, but yes I do masturbate, as I thought when I was little you only had sex for two times)

After work I leave back to the city, I go twice a day with the bus since the last months. I always loved it ever since. The morning for seeing everything so fresh and the feeling to start a new day. The evening after work when the world slows down and the sun slowly disappears behind the river and leaves an incredible colour that I can't even give a name for in the sky.

Back in the city, I decide not to go to the gym today. How nice is that, I hate myself today very little for not going because of my hate love relationship with my body. Fuck it, one day not going to the gym is not going to make me a old grumpy fat lady does it? Well and if it does I can finally give myself over and eat unlimited chocolate cakes in front of the television all day long.

I walk back to the hostel, happy to see everybody again, even though it was just a few hours that we didn't saw each other. Everybody had a different adventure today, and at the end we all come back at the same place. Sitting and eating at the table while the words and laughs are flying around.

After diner a very good and special friend from the hostel and me are going to make a little walk, just a bit of talking and laughing. Then I see a guy coming towards us, still a few meters away so he doesn't hear me when I say to my friend.. ''WATCH THIS''.. The guy comes closer and closer, almost passing us, and exactly at that moment when he passes us I do a big loud fart!!!!! Ohhhhhh and laughing and laughing... Only because of a fart, but so funny! You can imagine, the next few minutes continues in a farting competition in the middle of the street. Telling each other about awkward moment we had before with farts, burps and other strange awkward noises our bodies are able to make.

The moment I lay in bed I think about my day. If someone would ask me how today's day was I would probably say "yeah was a nice day, you know same shit different day, getting out of bed, go to work and relax in the evening''. I don't know why I say that and don't tell about what an amazing day I just had, probably because nobody really wants to know that I have been masturbating at work. But deep inside I know I have seen, done, felt, experienced everything I did that day. I can't look in the future and I don't know what tomorrow and the rest of my life will bring, I can only hope and dream. But what I know is when I can experience this "normal" day in an extraordinary way then I can only wait for everything else to happen. What- where- who- why- or how-ever that might be. I think I will love it.