I'm speachless right now... I'm trying to think a coherent thought but the only thing that comes to mind is Wow. Tons of images are flying through my mind and I'm only catching glimpses... This poem was amazing. I loved it. Yes it's dark and sad, but beautiful. Awesome job with this Alice. I know you said this was just thoughts and feelings, but they made you write a beautifully dark poem. =D Mandy

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

alice.
u sound so numb, dead to the world.
every thot just made it deeper and i felt it more and more until by the end, i had like, perma-goosebumps.
i hope things work out for u soon.
ur wings will work again.

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

well Alice for all the dardness and pain, the emotion and tears it a very beautiful poem. Some lovely images. "Transform and shape shift to nightmares" i love this, it as so many differnt meanings and images, you can feel it moving and shifting about.
I like the flow of the poem, it as an oppressed feel to it, as though your entering a nightmare. Is this poem abstract or about you Alice? Its dark and cold, isolated and abandoned, a soul in turmoil sinking into an existence close to hellish!! Ah, do you know these are the images I tried to get into your challenge poem. In that poem (there’s still parts 2 and 3 to come) the main character is sunk by the beautiful face of a woman. Have you been sunk by the opposite, the face of a man? I do love this poem Alice. So nice to have you back, I’ve missed you!!

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

First thing I must ask: Are you alright? You sound dead, like you're fading into an abyss of nothingness. But, although it was fairly depressing, I had favorite lines like: 'But when the music stopped,
So did she.'
'Faces disappear from photographs'
'Ballads drift into nothingness
There is no melody'
Yes, those are my favorite... faces disappearing from photographs as if that person never existed; beloved ballads that used to grab one's heart now something that means absolutely nothing anymore; life ending on a beat, a pulse...
I liked it, really I did :) in a good depressing sort of way. I'd type more, but I'm afraid to say that my left hand is holding onto an ice pack (I seared myself, go figure) and I'm typing with one hand. You know how frustrating that is? :/

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

I cant think of anything to say it is that ecalent i love it but love dosnt even cover it. keep up the good work

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

that last part was awesome. and this wasnt dissappointing. your poem was really good!(as usual! lol) anywho, this was great and it really tells a story. thanks for letting us into your mind! =)
~Lemon

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

oh this is great! you are working out your nightmares and deadened emotions on paper, its the perfect way to connect. you discribe everything pretty good. I think alot of us can relate, actually you did a great job at discribing. ya, I liked the shapeshifting line also, and like Matt said, you could feel the peom moving and shifting about, cool! ya you did this good Alice, I'm glad you are using your skills to surface your anxieties. glad your back ^_^
~katie

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

This made me think of a person who’s standing on the boundary line between life and death. There were struggles---a lot of attempts to stay in touch. It’s like being drowned in the sea. Something was pulling her down, yet she wanted to surface---to keep afloat, to swim ashore----because somehow no matter how lost she was in the midst of nowhere, she always wished to live---to grasp life.

Nightmares are always like that. They take us away where we cannot be reached. We scream but nobody seems to heed the call. Nightmares as they are, they are full of deception. They make us believe what is not. Don’t be fooled by them. I did have nightmares---worst ones. I’m glad I have never been defeated by them. If I was, I’d be colder than death.

Smooth flow of emotion…
Well-expressed thoughts…
Deep articulation…
You’ve written this well.

Dark but wonderful. :-)
You did a great piece, lil sis!!! ^^

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

wow this was really cool.
It told us a story.
at least in my opinion
fabulous work
:]

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

everything is so sad like.
like the person is trapped and troubled in an icy world.

very great detailed and interesting, Alice!

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

awwww it's ok Alice *big ol' hug* I hope your not sad now! Poetry does help. I never ever thought that it does, but I've found that after I write something down, after a couple of days whatever was bad isn't as bad anymore. I dunno, maybe I just don't have much bad stuff in my life.

Anyway, back to the POEM! It was really, really, super good but pretty sad as well. You did a good job, especially if this poem was just "spilling" all of those poems I write I delete right after, then write another one that's better. It's really good and it had a sort of rhyme thing going on. Maybe I'm the only one who noticed but a few odd lines rhymed. It's hard to explain. But you did a super fantastic job! Peace out homie!
XOXO, Hugs and Kisses

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

My Fav line would be

Faces disappear from photographs

They lay empty.


And now for my HONEST comment...Strange enough I found this soulful and neither dark nor depressing....I was relieved to read this because I knew that NOW you are in control of ur emotions and would never never give away to dark forces of depression that easily...

This poem can be written by someone who UNDERSTANDS life...and not by someone who writes for the sake of writing...But I expected lots more from this ....Like the metaohors and Similies were predictable...Nonetheless they still stood out since the THEME was to DISCOVER oneself...I could get the 'feel' that the writer is on the path of realising the wordly attractions are temporary but still accepting it gracefully and moving on with confidence...

LOVELY POEM ALICE....I was transported in a different world and hence all this blabbering....I hope i did not disappoint u by saying that I expected more from you..Since u already have a HIGH standard in my heart....

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

or shall i say Wordly fears and insecurities exist but in front of a strong mind and with faith on GOD, they cease to exist...right?

And I know my little ALICE is one of them...

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

Hey I hope you feel better soon :D writing is a great way to release some pent up emotions.

As you know I typically don't enjoy reading more depressing poems, and that's not because they are depressing. It's really that most of the ones I've read use cliched imagery (I'll point out one you used: immortal abyss :P) and rarely use any subtleties beyond what they are trying to say on the literal page. However, I find this poem hauntingly beautiful because I can really call it a lament and a graceful poem, as opposed to the journalistic and rhetoric style many others use to vent their emotions. Like I said, I felt that this poem was hauntingly beautiful and you've really let your emotions come through to the reader, while the emotion conveyed is cliche, the way it's delivered is unique and heart-stopping and that's what really matters in a poem. Great job.

Time for the bad and the ugly! Don't you love this? No it's not bad nor ugly but it's time for the parts I didn't like and reasons why. This is definitely one of the best poems I've seen in my own stereotyped genre called the "angst genre" (ahaha I hope you aren't offended, I'm not saying you're angsty, I would just place the poem in this genre of mine due to its form and content). However, I am not a fan of this type of poetry for many reasons, some (not many) of which come through here.

One of the things I believe in is that without artificial refinement, the heart does not simply pour out a poem. One needs some sort of manufacturing in order to make what is a fundamental emotion into what others may call a good poem. This is not really evident here since you are a great poet and have a lot of talent already, but some things do show through since you've said yourself that you let your heart basically spill on to paper.

For one, I think a poem should be universal and understood to all of its target audience. However, this poem was not very specific regarding the subject "she", the object "you", and the symbolism of the "dark figure." While it is a common practice that the main character's descriptions are left vague, I don't totally condone this because it is difficult for the reader to put themselves in the narrator's shoes unless they already feel similar to the narrator.

The interpretation on this poem can be fairly vague as well. It can either be that "you" has deserted "she" and now "she" pleads for "your" help, or that "she" has been deserted by someone or the world in general, and is pleading for "you." While the imagery is very beautiful and fitting, and the tone remains consistent and appropriate, the imagery does not remain consistent. It feels to me like a random flutter of pictures passing by, and their precise connections to the content of the poem is not very clear. I think a poem's every word should be chosen with exact care to convey a very concise meaning, and the imagery and words here (almost sounding like simply trying to sound flowery and filling space) do not seem to deliver an exact meaning or purpose to the poem.

You mention memories haunting the main character several times, however they do not seem to explain her present situation.

I really would like to comment you on the numerous and complex metaphors you introduced to the poem as well, it really enhanced its effects. However (ah, you knew this was coming didn't you) the metaphors do not extend beyond the lines they were mentioned in, and their symbolism was not specific, thus the reader is often left confused as to what the metaphors were supposed to mean, and guess at something very generic, like guessing the "dark figure" to mean "fear". This way, the effects of the metaphors and the imagery introduced becomes hazy for the reader and their effects are a little lost on the reader. More astute readers, at the same time, can interpret the "dark figure" to be her past love haunting her in her memory, yet since there is no evidence here to suggest this, a fair bit of guesswork and open interpretation is used. This also disrupts the flow, and makes the poem sound a little "amateur-ish".

In the last part of the poem (finally, eh?) the poem seems to back in time to the memory of her as a dancer (here the reader is confused as to whether she was really a dancer, or the dancing is used to be a metaphor). The music stops suddenly (haha reminds me of my own poem) and she stopped dancing. While here the meaning is understood, there is no sense of closure nor anti-closure and the poem almost feels like stopping in mid-sentence. I feel this way because after the poem begins by introducing what she is going through, it goes back to a memory that seemingly has nothing to do with her present condition. Only in the last two lines is some sort of symbolic reason introduced and there it ends. I do agree that the way it ended really impacted the reader emotionally, but poetically it is not very closural.

There there, my longest comment yet. I really only focused on the bad parts and not the good parts, because I could have said "I really enjoyed the sense of open-ness you left for your reader at the end, and the last two lines really makes the reader think." because it is true. Lol. I hope you read this when you felt better because otherwise you might really not like me (and realize your sugar pills aren't coming). Wow 974 words I'm at my limit! That was a great poem :D keep it up eh!

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

Alice I read your poem with interest (and stark enjoyment because it is very deep and dark)as well as the comments above by Controverse. To me, the poem flowed so well with the sense of loss and sadness, understandably so, any sense of "confusion" between past and present, metaphors and imagery can be forgiven. Not meaning to contradict any of what Controverse offers above, a very valid critique and I'm sure some of the suggestions offered could only enhance an excellent "greiving" poem. But for me, the "feel" of the poem spoke volumes and quite honestly it is achingly poignant exactly as it has flowed from your pen.

Posted: Jul 17, 2008

I suppose I could go through the poem and break it down line by line to give you my likes and dislikes as some of the previous commentators have done but that really isn't my style, Alice! If I generally like a poem, I don't feel the need to give 100 ways to improve it!! And if I don't like it, I don't feel a tremendous urge to leave a comment filled with corrections, so suffice to say that I enjoyed the read very much.

For me, it is more pleasurable to read a piece, written from the heart with ALL its imperfections, than to read a piece that is structurally perfect, with proper rhyme and meter patterns, etc. but lacking the spirit and true feelings that only come from the heart.

Thanks for sharing your heart with all of us.....Jerry

Posted: Jul 18, 2008

This is an awesome piece Alice......in fact, awesome is an understatement! I believe you will be alright.....from whatever feelings you are having right now......bet this way of expression did help. A loud cry......Love it!

Posted: Jul 18, 2008

woww creative :) i like. reminds me of myself in a way. i like the way you use your words..its as if you're watching a movie almost.

Posted: Jul 18, 2008

I seem to like your random flutter of pictures.
When I read poetry, I often get bored if the piece is directly "here-is-what-I-want-you-to-know"... I enjoy throwing myself into the story and pulling random flutter pics of my life so to enjoy the poem even more. That's the addiction of metaphors eh? I'll present you an image, and you make a story. Your metaphors were not your usual top-notch in this, regardless you still stimulated me.

Make sense?
I LIKE'd It.

Posted: Jul 18, 2008

This was beautiful! I sincerely hope you feel better, and, as Controverse, said, poetry is a great way to feeling better! I like how you just spilled it out. You could tell, and it made it powerful. And I don't mean you could tell in a bad way, but in a good way. Urg you get it.

Feel better!!!!

Posted: Jul 18, 2008

"Her touch gave death life

Gave darkness light

Gave cold warmth

Gave a devil love..."
I love that part. :) It's a really deep poem. So sad yet so beautiful. I hope you feel better soon. There are times when I feel that way too. Frustrating isn't it? the way it confuses you. Keep it up alice. you're really a jewel. *hugs* :D

Posted: Jul 19, 2008

Ok this is so so so sad darling!! im so so sorry, but the thing is you have a talent and its so plain and obvious! your gifted and you should never ever let thig go to waste! usually when people try to write a poem about this sort of thing, its sounds cliche and I seriously stop reading (no offense to those people) but you alice, when I read your poems I am left thinking. You have a gift and I pray that God will help you develop it further.

*when you become famous don't forget the little people*
aka moi!!

Best wishes Wandy

Posted: Jul 19, 2008

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!! I love it!! Don't think little of me, but I think this is your best poem ever. It's so descriptive and morbid... I love that kind of stuff. You need to write more, Alice, I think you've hit something here.

:D

Posted: Jul 19, 2008

Hey Alice :)

There are few writers that impress me to the extent that you do. The thing that really sets you apart is your honesty and the pure flow of your descriptions. This poem is a great example of both. You show many instances that create all sorts of different pictures and yet you do it with so few words. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Make sure and tell me when you write another!

Regan

Posted: Jul 19, 2008

wow this is different for you. but I loved it all the same, it's always good to show that different side. It was all very captivating, I Loved it:P
Steph(:

Posted: Jul 19, 2008

*crıes* Thıs was sooo good. I can totally see what you feel, you paınt your emotıons so well, I can see ıt. I can feel ıt. You radıate so much ınspıratıon and each word touched me lıke a sharp prıck. Thıs was straıght from the heart, a heart whıch ıs obvıously wounded. Well done, thıs pıece ıs magnıfıcant, although sad and I really hope you feel better soon. Thank you so much for sharıng. Good luck dear xxxx

Posted: Jul 20, 2008

Interesting read here. Your poem got me thinking about how we often liken death to cold darkness. I wonder if that might have something to do with winter? They do cast a bit of a despairing light on the afterlife, as you so nicely did in this piece. I found the title especially fascinating; we talked about 'quintessence' in English class once and how it means "the fifth element." Deriving from Greek, there were the four elements earth, wind, fire, and water, with Aether (pure air, or Heaven) being the fifth. That said, is the quintessence of a tortured mind the reverse of that: Death? Perhaps I'm just thinking hard, like I always do :). I liked it!

Posted: Jul 20, 2008

Alice, I can't think of anything to say. If you don't mind, I'm going to print this out and dwell on it for a while... roll it around in my mind... breathe it in... absorb it completely before I come back and comment. But I wanted you to know that I read it and liked it :)

Stephanee

Posted: Jul 21, 2008

WOW ALICE! I'm so speachless right now. WOW! My heart was beating so fast with each line, it was so tragic and so meanignful. I think this is my asolute favortie poem from you. it is truly amazing!!!!!
STeph(:

Posted: Jul 22, 2008

Okay, I'm back and ready to comment. I was a literature major, so forgive me if this comes across as an analysis paper lol.
I found several things fascinating about this poem, Alice. First, the recurring theme of cold. In the first stanza you say “the mercury is dropping.” Initially, I took this to mean an actual drop in physical temperature. This could be interpreted as the drop in temperature that occurs when the human body dies. But later in the poem you mention cold again with regards to emotional numbness. It’s interesting to think about emotional death causing the same temperature drop as physical death. By the way, the image of icy blood flowing through diamond veins is just breathtaking!
Several times throughout the poem you mention angels and wings. (This is a common theme in your poetry ) In this case, the angel has lost her wings and is unable to fly. To me, the loss of flight speaks metaphorically of the angel’s inability to escape the chains that hold her down and trap her on earth. Most likely these are emotional chains. But more literally, this image made me think of other creatures with wings: birds, butterflies, etc. What are they without their wings? A butterfly without beautifully colored wings is certainly not a butterfly anymore. So what is an angel without her wings? Is she even still an angel?
This brings us to an elaboration on the emotional chains that bind the angel down and keep her from flying. You mention isolation several times, and each time it’s paired with something about vanishing into the background or losing significance. Perhaps the angel is afraid of fading away into obscurity, and of the loneliness that comes with anonymity. Perhaps she is afraid of losing herself in the crowd and never being able to regain her essence.
In stanzas 9 and 10 the theme of absence comes into play. To me, when “faces disappear from photographs” truth and meaning fade away. When “ballads drift into nothingness” love begins to vanish. The angel’s loss of such vital things as love and meaning could cause the dark figures of fear and depression to haunt her.
The last 3 stanzas bring the poem full circle and we’re back with the wingless angel. Her innocence and youth are now gone, and she no longer has the ability to give “darkness light” and “cold warmth.” Has she lost the devil’s love? Or has she realized that an angel and a devil just aren’t meant to be? Either way, the loss of love has changed her, and I don’t think she’ll ever be an angel again.
My favorite part of this poem was when you wrote about nightmares. I might be reading waaaay too much into this, but I found it so interesting that you tell us in the intro that you were inspired by nightmares you’ve been having, and then the poem begins with coldness and mercury dropping. For the Romans, Mercury = Hermes, messenger to the underworld and deliverer of dreams. Coincidence? Lol Maybe.
I love the uncertainty expressed by the way some of the lines are questions. It’s as if both the writer and the angel are unsure of where the poem is going to take them. Oh, and in stanza 3 I think “dieing” should be “dying.”
Whew! I hope you don’t mind the essay I just wrote you lol. I suppose this is what I get when I spend a day and a half pondering!! If I'm way off, that's okay because I interpreted the poem the way it spoke to me. If I'm close to home, that's okay too ;)

Stephanee

Posted: Jul 22, 2008

Hi Alice, I know I'm rather late. But here I am! You know what, this poem reminded me of one of my favourite songs - 'Comfortably Numb'. And when I say that, I have said it all.

Posted: Jul 23, 2008

i love this one!
it actually relates to me a lot somehow. i always pray that no one ever has to have a life like that...having loved ones and people who cares for you...yet missing somethings and having hard times, which pops out in the most unexpected way...

and tel you something...when i have nightmares about people who are closed to me, it comes true in a way...and its so scary and freaky!!

anyways..good job!..take care...and your poems are always mind blowing!!:P

nuttyz~

Posted: Jul 25, 2008

It is by Pink Floyd. You can check it out on youtube.

Posted: Jul 25, 2008

Beautiful poem. Great job!

Posted: Jul 26, 2008

Is this nightmare growing? Do you hear voices...?

Is it kind... or is it cruel?

Does it care at all?

Is it there because it has a choice?

Does it hide away in a crystal world, afraid to speak the truth... or does it recreate truth... and consequently, unearthing the reality of your life?

How does it speak? Softly? Carefully? Aggressively...?

Is it being locked in the place of memory... or are you? Could it be both you and your nightmare suffer from the contradiction you inflict on one another???

How deep does it hide?

How much does it suffer, to bring suffering unto you?

Do you need this nightmare? Is it yours, or someone else's?

What are good dreams without nightmares to compare?
What is happiness without sadness to suffer?

Why...?



Do not be afraid Alice. Those questions were asked by me... to me. A nightmare is in every one of us. It comes in different forms. Some people are stronger than others... but that doesnt matter. I do not know why this has struck you. But... its struck me for a long time...

By reading this piece i have come to a realization. Something that should never have been realized. Everyone can go in life ignoring this nightmare. They can bend its darkness into other directions. But they are oblivious to the fact that a shadow is always following them.

I now know why MY nightmare IS. I became... aware.

Aware...

My fingers a trembling right now... this piece scares me... not for you, because i know your will to fight this thing wont stop anytime soon.

It scares me... because i am afraid of myself. The voice within... Lionheart.

Posted: Jul 30, 2008