Seesawmae's Challenge: Immobile
Tags:
immobile,
stressed,
sad,
depressed,
lost,
confused,
hurt,
trapped,
rushed,
pressured,
life,
friendship,
time
Hokay- this is Seesawmae's Challenge. I know I'm late, considering the fact that I was one of the first people to take on the challenge. But the picture she gave me was kind of hard. I guess that's what I get for asking for something hard. Lol - but it was worth the challenge.
About the challenge: She gives you a picture and you write a poem based on EMOTION - key word there. Look below to see the picture. I will post it with the poem.
When I saw it, I was like, um wow. Okay. Let me think on it. And I was thinking... and thinking... oh and thinking some more. I didn't see emotion in it. Perhaps I was feeling pretty stoic.
Then recently something happened with a friend. Long story short - she needs time to think about everything so she's pushing certain people away.
So... I wrote this poem as if it was from HER perspective. From what she told me, things were rather stressful. I don't know about you, but when I get stressed, it seems like everything is moving and going but I'm not.
I don't quite know the exact word for the emotion I'm looking for. I can describe it. But I don't have the word for it like angry, happy, sad, etc...
So yeah...
I apologize in advance if its not that good >_<
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Submitted: Jun 4, 2008
Reads: 98
Comments: 34
Likes: 16
Immobile
By: Alice Oiseau
Dedicated to: Lizzie
Here comes evening.
Sun has set.
Fading blue of heavens.
*
There I stand.
Immobile.
Everything passes me by.
*
Life goes on.
Warmth around me,
But cold inside,
Frozen as day turns to night.
*
Time to take down the mask,
Time to close my eyes,
Time to think,
Time to cry,
Time to love,
Time to die.
*
There I stand.
Immobile.
Everything passes me by.
*
Time to say goodbye...
*
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep,
Farewell until we meet again,
Farewell my friend.
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Comments:
Such great poetry!
i can't say anything else!
Great job!
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
..........this is a great poem. it really expresses that emotion that really has no name. ive felt like that a lot before.
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
Alice, that was beautiful! I've actually felt that way before too. In fact probably more than you think. :)
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
W.O.W
and you say I'm good? omg Alice, this is my favorite of your work yet (besides a sea of broken hearts of course;) ) hehe.
Time to take down the mask,
Time to close my eyes,
Time to think,
Time to cry,
Time to love,
Time to die
So much meaning, devistatignly beautiful. It's true, we've all felt this way, but you have put into words what no one else could. Brilliant ma belle, on dirait une génie:P
Steph(:
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
I love that, I mean sometimes you have eveything ahead of you that you could easily take away. This is my favorite poem of the week.
Lydia_xxxx
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
Ghiradelli Girl
(not registered user)
And you only have one like it vote?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like-- okay I saw it all flashing by-- yes^_^ (this was a good imagery poem for me) so it was like this:
A girl is standing in the middle of a busy New York City side-walk. And millions of people are flickering past her through morning, afternoon, and evening-- until there is no one left but her--- all because she's taken a hiatus from life... just a bit before she comes back...
I hope that your friend is okay. She'll get through it. There's always a way of getting through stressful times, you just have to keep going. This is the same way I feel when everything is falling down upon my shoulders in deadlines. And I feel terrible because then I gripe out at my friends... and I hate it... because I don't want to hurt them.
Lot's of special chocolate to you,
Ghiradelli Girl:).
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
Okay-- that was me just in case you were wondering-- lol^_^.
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
WOWOOWOOWOOWOW! WoNdErFuL!!! It may convey negative emotions but it was bEaUtIfUlLy written! Only comes from great minds! xD
Don't worry if it's a bit late.
It's worth the wait!
I LOVE IT!
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
This was a very nice poem. Flowed really well, and gave a good visual. Great job!
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
Great job as usual alice! keep it up! i liked this a lot. :)
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
omg this is so awesome I can't believe how awesome it is!! Oh and the "kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep" part is actually from the intro of a song, Miss Murder by AFI the music video has that as the beginning, if you haven't heard it you HAVE TO it's awesome!! Anyway, I absolutely loved it, everything was realistic and it was sad but not so sad your like ready to jump off a cliff or something. It's so awesome! I am SO clicking the "I like it" button. If there was an "I love it" I'd click that too ^.^
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
...
That was soooooo beautiful!! ^-^ I lovers it. Anddddd I don't have anything else to say. lol. Fantastic job!!
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
hi! alice. u did a good job on bidding goodbye. lovely. ;-)
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
Alice you have put into words something really beautiful. It is a feeling some of us experience but could never put into words when we lose something that has meant so much. Despite the beauty of our surrounds everything is so poignant "There I stand.
Immobile.
Everything passes me by." - as if nothing else matters but that moment, so many emotions.
Heck, I can't even explain that feeling that you have echoed so brilliantly.
Just love this poem.
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
It's sad and beautiful. Time goes by so fast, if we could just take one moment to stop and take it all in.
~DarkFairy~
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
So pretty. I loved it. Time always seems to go to fast for me. Especially as of late. Too fast. School is ending, people are moving. I just want to throw my hands up in the air and yell STOP! Anyways it really was a beautiful poem. =) Mandy
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
ok, so you have a fantastic gift! and i think you did this wonderfully!!! excelltent job!!!
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
AND U WERE APOLOGISING FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL POEM...lol...
this is BRILLIANT and I could see myself in this....I am in the same phase now where I am avoiding my MEDICAL FRATERNITY to be with my son and I feel i am "IMMOBILE" while science is expanding leaving me far behind,,....BUT BUT....I am sure once i get back , i will pick up...
THANKS ALice....it was a lovely read ....
stirred my thoughts for good....
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
Why would you think it's not a wonderful piece? It's amazing Alice, Suited the picture wonderfully....you took your time and created a masterpiece. Congratulations
Posted: Jun 4, 2008
Hi Alice ^_^
I too think it is a beautiful poem, to me it is very reflective of ones own thoughts.
nicely done! ^_^
Posted: Jun 5, 2008
Hi Alice! First of all, a big THANK YOU for bringing this poem to my attention - I would have missed something of beauty otherwise. And why do you think that beginnings are not your forte? I would keep whirling like a dervish in esctacy if I could begin my works like you do. You have expressed a very, very subtle emotion quite succintly, and that too in such few words... Hats off!
Posted: Jun 5, 2008
Nice poem, but hard to describe. To me it seems like a friendless person trying to do nothing, like in lay down to die. But you say in the text that she is your friend, so she has someone, people who care, even if she doesn't. Those are tough cases, you have to work with her, gently.
(I always write my comments ignoring the previous comments. I don't want to be a parrot and just repeat other peoples emotions, especially in this case where it is in fact a poem about emotion(s).)
Posted: Jun 5, 2008
Whoah, this one was intense for me! I think that "immobile" is the perfect word to describe how I feel right now. I'm feel like I'm kind of just drifting, watching the rest of the world accomplish something while I stand immobile. Whoah!! Very emotional, touching poem, Alice. I like the way you've structured it, almost as if you're reading the poem in someone's thoughts.
Stephanee :)
Posted: Jun 5, 2008
Oh, Alice thou hast done it again! A beautiful poem, from a beautiful mind! Though i am the last person in the world to comment!! Your mind certainly wasn’t immobile when u wrote this! The words and images they convey are beautiful. It’s like a metaphor for meditation, a journey within, time for self-reflection. Everything passes by while one is stood still just watching. It reminds me of an inner stillness in times of turmoil. Also gives the impression of just taking a step back from life, and just viewing everything that is going on around you. Both internally and externally. Moreover, the final stanza makes me think, not of death, but change. Someone saying goodbye to the past, or certain experiences, and moving on with their life.
You use a simple but eloquent style which perfectly brings the emotions across to the reader. There’s no use of flashy words or images, it’s just honestly and simply put, which leaves the reader in no doubt where your coming from. Love the mixed images of evening, but a warmth to that evening while the cold is within. And this is reinforced by the idea of everything passing by, as tho there’s no thought, just a cold reflection; a sort of emptiness, and yet that silence is exactly what the subject needs. Again, this is not a nosy poem, but that is precisely why it works; because it captures that inner silence, that immobility in a profusion of simple images. It’s almost like the still images of a camera, catching the world around it!!
I love your writing Alice, and this is up there with the best of them!!
(Where’s the next chapter of your book by the way? I’m getting impatient! hehe!!)
Posted: Jun 5, 2008
:O, amazing poem. so deep! I love it.
Posted: Jun 5, 2008
wow, i loved this poem, snow
Posted: Jun 6, 2008
Nice job I liked it and it was cteative. I'm not good with coming up with poem's but you didi a good job.
Posted: Jun 6, 2008
Gosh Alice I'm so so so so sorry it took me so long to read! I haven't been on booksie for a few days, so I have to get caught up on so much! Ha Ha. But GREAT GODS this was such a great poem! It really describes the way I feel too. The picture (seesawmae) was absolutely wonderful, and Alice you did a fabulous job of creating a poem due to the imagery. And your poem itself created the imagery that was just absolutely spectacular. Now THERE'S a word I haven't used before! Ha Ha I really loved this part:
Time to take down the mask,
Time to close my eyes,
Time to think,
Time to cry,
Time to love,
Time to die.
It really expresses the feelings and emotions of people all around, which is really the point. When you write poetry, it shouldn't just relate to always how you feel, but in a wide spread. Of course, most poetry is about how people feel, but so many people around you feel the exact same way. It's like connecting with the audience, and boy Alice, did you REALLY connect with the audience. You are so great at poetry Alice. Thank you:)
Posted: Jun 6, 2008
well first of all.I LOVED IT. its very good and soory i didnt read it sooner. very very good my fav part was
time to take down the mask
time to close my eyes
time to think
time to cry
time to love
time to die
ya that was my fav part very awesome :)
Posted: Jun 9, 2008
This is good! One of the best poems so far. The time sections sets it apart well done
Posted: Jun 9, 2008
Hello,
this was lovely, well done. You said so much in so few words.The rhythym and flow of ur words was impecable, its the mark of true poetess. Gr8 going.
P.S u reminded me a little of Emily Dickenson, she is my favorite poet along with edgar allan poe.
Posted: Jun 10, 2008
As others have said: Wow! Such an excellent job of putting on anothers shoes. I think we can never truly know how another feels, but your poem, judging from the comments, seems to evoke the same feelings in most of us. "Been there, done that" sounds trite, but it's true.
Great job in capturing, in few words, what the English language has none for -- that, sort of, immobile emotion.
craaig
Posted: Jun 16, 2008
oh wow, this is brilliant, you did such an amazing job, i'm so impressed! nice job on finding an emotion! Loved it!
Posted: Jun 25, 2008
Ohhhh,
I love it!
I hath no words for this work of art!
its almost beyond the I like it button!!!!!
With much renewed and speechless NOTHINGNESSS,
KR
Posted: Jun 27, 2008
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