I really enjoyed this poem. You have a great way with words on this one "Aloneness becomes loneliness" was my favourite line, because its message is so true, the half-rhymes are very flow-y, and also because you put something in a very unique way. This was a great poem.

I always try to give suggestions to things I read, and I have a couple here ^-^ First, I just recomment that "him" is captialized, to better represent some sort of a higher being we are not in control of, so people can interpret them different but reach the same meaning. "Don't let Him breathe on me." I think leaving it open to whether it's god or devil could improve the ending and cause the reader to think. The second suggestion is about some sentence structure. You used a lot of imperative form a lot but it did not refer to the reader, I think it refered to loneliness or the symptoms of. It becomes a little choppy at times, so I think adding a subject to your sentences could help a lot.

That's all, and I really enjoyed this poem, no really! :D Keep up the great work

Posted: Jul 14, 2008