This is a Italian sonnet I wrote about my mother and I my first attempt at a sonnet as well.
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Submitted: Jul 2, 2008
Reads: 59
Comments: 6
Likes: 1
Guilty Love
My lust for destruction lights my only love on fire
Her eyes no life left within the gleam has vanished
Relentless my mother struggles her loves banished
This temple her loves captor ignites guilt in my spire
Regret haunts leaving anxiety and compulsion I tire
Undying her wishes to make my life better she managed
Loyally comforting her son problems instill her courage
I barrage her brain into insanity only this my true desire
This beach holds our love and the way it was
I mourn at the funeral tough to kiss us goodbye
I apologize with my mouth my head hears my lie
Paris bonds our souls forever we see that it does
Trying to cure our rusted metal we gave a nice try
My hate flows my mothers love leaves me now I die
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Comments:
o depressing kind of but emotional, good work!
Posted: Jul 2, 2008
Hello,
sorry to disappoint you Bleaf but the truth is i so not specialize in sonnets. I know about them because i started getting the literature bug after i read Shakespeare's sonnets and his plays. Over the years i have just been an avid reader of the genre, i don't write 'em myself.
O.K now to your sonnet.
1. i must commend you on your wonderful attempt, but it just seemed to me that you were trying too hard with this one. You tried to add too much to it, it was not as effortless as your other poems.
2. The second stanza was too divergent from the first one. The tone of the poem did a complete summersolt, i do understand that each stanza should be different but there has to be a definite flow which links the two together.
3. You need to present this differently the dark black highlighting had me squinting to see what you had written and it took away from the reading experience. Remember you do not need to use fancy imagery to capture a reader, a good poem will do that regardless of the effects.
4.I am often herder on you than on others but it is only because i believe you have potential.
5. Sometimes trying to sound too intelligent can damage your poetry, you need to recognize the level you are at and then work with that, improving is the name of the game.
Posted: Jul 3, 2008
:0 nice.
Can i be you're fan?
Posted: Jul 3, 2008
I agree with the above comments: Very emotional, does not flow as smoothly as it could have, but it was still very good (in my opinion). :) I agree that you have potential, and lots of it. Just keep trying. I myself am not too fond of sonnets, but I write them only when I have something important to say, and it looks like YOU did. I believe that's what poetry is about and you did excellent work here. Consider what Azmat said though, it could help better your writing a bit. However, I am impressed with what you have already done! I liked it. :)
Posted: Jul 3, 2008
hi! bleaf. u've far exceeded my expectancy with this sonnet. although love flowed through it, u ended it on a sad note. there r mythical renderings, lending it weight and credibility. (i'm sure u saw "TROY").
this is a courageous attempt at sonnent. well done. lol. ;-)
Posted: Jul 3, 2008
Hey i loved this sonnet... you get a thumbs up for me for even trying it! :) I tried to do a Shakesperian sonnet once but the meter was off and my teacher was like "aaahhhh!" haha but I loved this even though it ended sadly and I know it was a very personal topic for you so bravo! :) -zia
Posted: Jul 6, 2008
© Copyright 2008 B Leaf All rights reserved. B Leaf has granted theNextBigWriter, LLC non-exclusive rights to display this work on Booksie.com.
