NURSERY RHYMES ( But Not For Kids )

Nursery Rhymes

( But Not For Kids )

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Intzy Wintzy Spider

There’s an Intzy Wintzy Spider

stalking after you.

she wants to climb up your spout,

and will not get washed about.

Mrs Spider doesn’t need sunshine,

and isn’t scared of rain.

She wants to tie you up with rope

and bring out cuffs and chains.

I scurry forward your eight legged freak.

So tasty, juicy, and utterly sweet,

handsomely good looking, ready to eat.

I want, I need, I will succeed.

This is no fetish or day dreamy BDSM fantasy,

for you are my breakfast, lunch, dinner, and tea.

Ill devour your body, heart and soul, leaving not a single bite.

So give up, stop struggling, I don’t want to fight.

Tempted you into my web, to late, your here and all tied up,

enshrouded within my silken thread.

Welcome to your spidery death bed my mate,

for you freely entered this spiders home,

now to suck your life away till your dry as a bone.

You bit off little more than you could chew,

so now I'm going to chew off a leg or two.

This Intzy Wintzy Spider

stalking after you.

she wants to climb up your spout,

and will not get washed about.

Mrs Spider doesn’t need sunshine,

and isn’t scared of rain.

She wants to tie you up with rope

and bring out cuffs and chains.

I am the Black Widow Arachnid.

I want them,

I love them,

I leave them,

Oh, and now they are very, much, DEAD.

 

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The Owl and the Pussy Cat, Oh and Me

 

The Owl and the Pussy Cat went to sea.

They invited a guest, that guest was me.

But alas, alack, I'm not good with the motion.

Those up and down waves upon the ocean.

They make my stomach oh so queasy.

Pussy Cat asks with trace of concern. “Are You OK Tracey?

Your face is such a strange shade of green.”

Hearing this, the Owl shouts out, as he looks about

"Not up wind. To the leeward side if it must let out.”

"To late,” the Pussy Cat replied, and sighed

as Tracey vomited abundantly over the side.

So we sailed away for a year long trip,

in a pea green puke covered little ship.

Until one day they had enough of my puking,

and forced me to walk the wooden gang planking.

That horrible pirate cat and his owlish first mate,

I hope their boat sinks and both end up shark bait.

 

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Four and Twenty Birds

 

Sing a song of dollars,

quarts, cents and dimes.

Do you remember that film

about the birds of the skies

That master of suspense

Alfred Hitchcock he's the man.

Oh that scene at the school,

the queen patiently awaiting.

As four then twenty blackbirds,

with hundreds more appearing.

Sing a song of dollars,

quarts, cents and dimes.

Four and twenty blackbirds

should be baked in some pies.

if this children's rhyme was

that horror film, OMG then.

When the pies were opened

the birds wouldn’t start to sing,

they would swoop out, fly down

and eat the maid and king.

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Little Miss Muffet

 

Little Miss Muffet sat at the table.

Feeling older brash and bolder.

“Its no good,” she screamed,

“I will never eat them broad beans,

no matter what you order.”

 

“Eat your carrots,” her mother admonishes,

“they let you see in the darkness.”

“Why mother that's just plain daft,

you do make me laugh,

I can switch on the light to see.”

 

“Now young lady,” mums voice a bit louder.

“You will sit there and eat your greens.”

“You cant make me,” she whined,

until her cell phone she spied,

held in her mothers hand as a bribe.

 

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Hickory Dickory Dock

 

Hickory dickory dock.

Put a condom on your cock.

Practise safe sex,

don't make a mistake.

By catching a dose of the clap.

 

Ickery itchery dick.

You now have a very sick prick.

So please try to remember,

be a friend to your member.

Take care where you dip your wick.

 

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All By Tracey Owen & Brian Rueby

copyright March 2012

 

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