My Struggle With PTSD

The depths of my brain may never be reached

Free thought is a huge lesson that can't be teach

A Million things racing through my brain

If I understood everything I would surly go insane

I know every time I reach one of my conclusions

It turns into an epic battle with one of my many demons

A fight I have been known to lose in the past

Losing became such a habit good thoughts never stayed to last

I would count myself short before my hand was dealt

I don't buy a new candle before the old wax has time to melt

So why would I think I could do that with me

So why would I refuse to be free

Yet I chained myself to negativity and yearned for it

I Spiraled downward into this dark pit

An abyss so dark so deep I could no longer see sunlight

Sides so slick trying to scale it was not worth the fight

Instead of taking the time to figure out a way to survive

I buried myself in hate and punished myself by staying alive

I had many chances to cut my life short

I was a pilot spinning out of control who always at the last minute managed to hit abort

I was a user who couldn't kick a habit

My drug was pain, I would push it to its limit

I would try to show love to others but I always left myself out

How could I love myself when I had such doubt

I remember looking in the mirror and I hate my reflection

I try to hold my head high and move on but why was the common question

I had a drive, a motivation but it was in the wrong direction

Putting myself down is not uncommon

I couldn't find anything worth while

Bad things would happen and on grew the pile

It effected every aspect of my life

It not only put pressure on me it made it hard for my wife

She woke me with kisses every morning

But I was unable to grasp the concept of her caring

I tested her patience and her will

She never lost faith in me and she loved me still

But even then I didn't know how to accept this

But she never stopped being my princess

I owe her my life for even being able to type this today

She never let me wonder astray

Instead of telling me I am wrong and this is what you should do

She let me find my own answers even though I had not a clue

She watched over me even when I thought I was alone

Through love her concept was shown

To me I was unable to see where my life would going

The greatest thing she ever did was stick by me with outcomes unknowing

I could have easily destroyed our family

It is scary and if you ask her she would agree

Without her my heart would no longer beat

She saved my life when we planned to meet

As I read over this I now look at my life as a struggle and a lesson

I understand everything I went through was all for some bigger reason

When I came to my end I had two options

I could either end the pain or start taking appropriate actions

So I decided to get help since my own methods didn't work

Its like a bully trying to change another bully who was a jerk

But saying is a lot different than doing

Swimming is a lot different than treading

So I did the only thing I could do, I began to swim

In doing so my actions inspired others to reach out and grab a lost limb

It gave me my voice

It allows me to finally have and choose a choice

I can sit or stand tall

I can finally open up and tear down my emotional wall

I can fully let people in

I can finally let my life begin

I can start living with a future in mind

I have a beautiful heart and its about time it shinned

Its about time I let it loose

I always had my mind, my heart, my personality its about time I put them to use

It was always there feeding from my experiences

I just locked up my thoughts and feelings into a place I store the traumas

I filed them In my mental inbox and allowed them to pile up

Now I can drink from life's cup

I am a beautiful person with a great soul

For once in my life I am actually proud and not ashamed of a goal

I can talk about my future with a smile on my face

I always had it in me, I just was unable to find my place

Now that I have recognized the fact I have PTSD

I can stop being the problem and fix the concept of me

I can devote time and effort where I need it the most

I have staked my claim in life I set up the first post

So now that I have this land I can build an empire

Once I build mine its my job to inspire

I must pass on my knowledge to other people in need

I know there are others out there like me waiting to get freed

Its my job

My duty,

My calling

I am now here to help other people

I promise to help others construct their castle

If anything I will give them the right tools

If they need to reach something high I will help them construct their own stools

We all need the ability to stand up to our bad thoughts

It's crazy how we fear feelings, but we run towards the sound of gunshots

My struggle with PTSD is not over it has only just begun

I take everyday one by one

Some days I can't even grasp my own concept

Other days I understand my problems, but all I can do is accept

But there are those days where I shine

When everything clicks and my life is mine

I wish for those days

It gives me motivation to keep going to figure out my maze

It gives me hope when all hope is lost

But for a moment of sheer happiness, that is defiantly worth the cost

This is my story of PTSD. I went to Afghanistan as a Infantry team leader. I am a SGT in the 101st Airborne. The deployment was very rough for me. I got my purple heart by getting shrapnel in my right arm. I also developed brain damage. When I came home my wife and I notice a problem so I did the right thing by my family and sought help. Once I did my unit fired my from my job and instantly labeled me as weak. This is just a poem expressing my struggle with PTSD. It also shows my outcome. I gives me hope that someone might read this and will be able to relate. Don't ever give up on yourself or a loved one who is struggling. Love is the strongest tool you can use. Thank you for tanking the time to read my thoughts.

By SGT Bobby J Evans