hello Dom,
your poem was pretty good, the rhyme scheme was o.k and the rhythym crisp. Here's some things you can work on,
1. never repeat the same words in rhyme especially in poems with short verses(for example you used blurred twice), it takes away from the dramatic effect.
2. think out ur poem like you would a story, it should flow fluently from one stanza to the next. In ur poem the pace is a little off.
3. metaphors and symbolism are all well and good but employ them keeping in mind ur readers, they should understand what you are trying to convey in addition to putting their own spin on things.
4. you have to strike a balance between simplicity and comlexity, for example a simple poem should have a deep meaning while more complex poetry can be simple.
5. try using more complex rhymes and rhythym schemes it adds to the overall readibility of a poem. Also it adds an added meaning to verses especially short ones.

Posted: Jun 10, 2008

hi azmat.... i can't log into my comments so i have to answer you like this....

thanks for the constructive critism will keep in mind when writing again... to be honest i use poems to relate my feelings and emotions i hardly ever think about what i'm writing and how i'm writing it. to me it's just a way of expressing and releasing....

blurred ( second one ) is supposed to be slurred..... typing error.... will correct... thanks for pointing it out... feel free to read my other poems....

Posted: Jun 10, 2008

its a pretty good poem! your giving me a good visual when I read it, the rhyming schme is ok, but the stanza that goes like this

"
She tries to look in
But her vision is blurred
She tries to scream
Even her speech is blurred"
Did you mean to repeat blurred? but over all it was good!!
tell me when you post more!!

Posted: Jun 10, 2008

This is incredibly vague. I've read a few times and I need to know more descriptively your emotions.

She walks through the shadows
Not knowing where to go
She enters a realm
Where all the highs are low

what think?
How did you feel when you walked through the shadows?
Fearless I walked OR Shivering among the shadows OR Joyously OR if you combine the first 2 lines into one line, you can add more. Gloom hovered an unknown frame. A door of shadowed shame. I gripped the handle and froze. Holding hands with my ghost.

This is incredibly important and sentimental to you because you've written about it and I hope not to drown that for you. Tell us what's lurking. You want to find your final goal but something is lurking. You state honesty.

At the end of the day, you are searching. And that's the best part of life at your age is searching and accepting swipes from the universe that help you grow. Honesty is pretty easy to not look at when you are searching for your lane in life. When something is covered in mold, it's usually a lie. Or you would have used/dreamt a lighter word for covering. A shimmer of dust. But big old mold is ugly.

She tries to look in
But her vision is blurred
She tries to scream
Even her speech is blurred
what about:
Emotions blur her sight
Voice taken in fright.

KEEP WRITING!!!!! It only comes with practice!!! I look forward to more of your poetry and watching your writing grow.
Cheers.

Posted: Jun 10, 2008

What's going on with the girl?
Is she hiding herself and trying to be someone else?
i'm curious.
Very interesting!

Posted: Jun 10, 2008

Your poem that you've just written is you outdoing yourself, I must say, after reading the leaps and bounds you've made since this one. Whew! High Five!

You should ask Air (Katie) to read this one. She loves dream interpreting and she's a delight to hear from.

Posted: Sep 11, 2008

I would also concentrate on the spelling. Mould is actually spelled mold.

However, I thought it was really well written. I could feel the goosebumps on me. Very descriptive.

We all have issues with our writing...just remember that.

Posted: Sep 26, 2008