Judgement -
How we are viewed,
But not accurately.
What is behind everyone’s mask?
Secret talents, unheard dreams, crippling fears
Are rarely seen in judgement’s eyes -
Taking no time to see
Behind the mask
Judgement.
Unfair
To not be seen -
The core of everyone.
What makes us tick, what makes you, you.
Who we truly are, and want all to see.
But because we want acceptance,
We hide behind a mask,
Which is just so
Unfair.
Ideal -
No more secrets.
Wear your heart on your sleeve,
And become accepted by all.
Tear off your mask and let your soul run free.
Although this is hard to achieve,
If side by side we stand,
Maybe we’ll be
Ideal?
Another rictameter...
This was a very creative poem. My favourite lines were
What is behind everyone’s mask?
Secret talents, unheard dreams, crippling fears
Are rarely seen in judgement’s eyes -
The line in the middle seems like the answer to the previous question, but the sentence continues so both hold true. It was very artistically done and poetically true because of the good use of line break.
The bolding definitely brought out one of the outstanding things about the poem, which presents a nice transition from idea to idea while reminding the user of the previous ones. This was very nicely done as well.
And since I think you've had enough compliments from these people I will lash out my constructive criticism cap (hey, you know I don't do this often lol, but I think all writers need this to become better ones)
I've read your other poem as well, and to be honest I am not a fan of rictameter form. The biggest reason is that a lot of the time, the poem becomes chopping around the beginning and the ending parts, making the most important bits tough to read aloud in the head and thus breaks the train of thought that the writer attempts to establish here. This is particularly evident here since whenever you're closing up a thought fragment, sentences become particularly short and choppy, messing up the flow.
One solution to this while keeping the rictameter form is, instead of making the phrases shorter, keep the original, longer sentences and simply breaking it up into logical pieces. Since poetry is read without pauses at line breaks this will make the poem flow without breaking the form:
Taking no time to see
Behind the mask
Judgement.
~~could become
For what really prevents us from
Seeing behind the mask is
Judgment.
While it is a good thing you bolded the key words, these words would appear important and connected to the readers without this anyways because of the form of the poem. Thus, the bolding in reality just makes the reader pause when reading the word, so even when they are in a sentence, that flow is also hindered (at least for me) such as "We hide behind a mask,/Which is just so/*Unfair*".
Okay, this part about content. The message of the poem is great, but the way you chose to represent the poem is cliche. I'm not saying this is a bad poem, but in my opinion, it is right now only slightly above average. What makes a truly outstanding poem is when the poem portrays a message uniquely. Thus, while the mask image is understood by everyone, it is also used to much that it's already lost its profoundity. There are of course two solutions to make the poem unique, which is use the image that everyone is familiar with but use a different way to say it, and second is to use a new image that is unique to represent the message.
As of currently the poem is very direct in saying what it wants to say (e.g. Tear off your mask and let your soul run free.) Because the age of modernist poetry is almost over, being direct is no longer profound thanks to people like Margaret Atwood who used it all up. Thus, when you say something direct it has as much emotional impact as saying "Edward fell down the stairs and got a concussion."
I'm not really saying to flower up your words, I'm suggesting to emotionally involve your audience.
This poem is spoken by an artificial narrator that you created. If the poem seems to be spoken from a voice that has a soul attached, speaking to some particular people, then the audience, if they happen to have some emotional ties with that audience or ARE that audience, the poem will stand out to them much more.
Yes, it would be great if you were saying "The narrator is ME and I'm talking to EVERYONE ELSE." But I'm sure in your everyday life, you don't talk in rictameter, talking to nobody in particular.
So, you have to make a narrator that DOES talk poetically, and think about what this person is like, why he/she is saying this, and exactly who (or what type of people) they're talking to. It even be him or herself.
Once you get into the head of your narrator, you will find that there are just some words that will do it and some words will not. You may suddenly think that your narrator is not that eloquent, so he won't use big words like "superfluous" or "ostentatious" and the like, but he really likes the word "captivating." Once you establish this, there will the a consistency in the tone of your poem. From this, the audience will be able to emphasize with the narrator much, much better.
It looks like I'm almost at the limit of my 1000 words lol so I'll stop now because now I think I'm just ranting. If you even read this far I hope you're not about to murder me in my sleep but found at least some of it a little helpful haha.
Anyways....keep up the good work! I'll be looking forward to more. Oh by the way it's spelled "Judgment"...OH PLEASE DONT KILL ME
Posted: Jun 16, 2008
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