happy birthday you

The words are crammed into my head fighting their way out, each one racing to be written first.
I was happy because I had worries and they were taken away.
I was happy because I was saved.
I was happy because I cooked a meal and fed well.
I was happy because the wind was bitterly cold outside, it was dark, and I was warm.
I was happy because I had company.
I was happy because for once, I didn't feel alone.
I was happy because I drove a car and it made me feel good, worthwhile.
I was happy because I was inspired to write and the words keep tumbling out.
I was happy so I put away extra dishes and made people's lives easier, even if it is only for now.
I was happy because I felt peaceful and alive.
If I were always this happy, I would have already forgiven you.
It’s strange to think if it weren't for you I wouldn't have to be dragged back by the memories and reminded of the cruelties of this world.
I know this won't last, I hope that doesn't mean I ask for too much.
I thought of you today, as I’ll think of you tomorrow, and all the other days.
If things had been how they were a long time ago you'd have laughed at me this afternoon, said those thirty five miles were nothing then told me a story.
You would have enjoyed the smile on my face today; maybe it was the one you used to say was cute.
Whatever it was, it was genuine.
That car engine responded to the smallest touch, I had to be gentle, careful.
It's sad to think that it reminded me of you, one wrong move and we'd be off the road.
After the adrenaline rush of 35 miles an hour, after the meal and the company and the peace, I thought of a year ago, today.
I couldn't sleep the night before. I was so excited at the thought of making you smile, of making you happy, of doing something right.
And you were happy, I think.
You smiled, I think.
Tomorrow you will be 19 years old, I knew you when you were 10.
I hope you had a good weekend, even if it was only because you made fake enjoyment with alcohol.
Happy birthday.
I know you'd laugh and say it won't be happy because of me, because I told the truth, the truth scares you.
Either way, it won't stop me from wishing.