Woa mama.
I'm printing it off.
I'll be back later tonite to comment.

Posted: Jun 21, 2008

This just takes my breath away Lien.
Almost as if you feel love coming and get scared. You treasure the dives and blistering heights that may come with new love, so much so that the thoughts of it are too consuming.

Whistling but not speaking. Using a sense other than speech to permeate. Using the wind as your medium.

Petals....he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not....when your heart goes into lock down in a holding cell.

This is simply breath taking.

You watch the world of lovahs (lovers in peach language) and take hope for yourself that one day you will crash that shoreline too. Because you want to hold a heart like a jewel, not only receive, but also give.

Ending on a sweet note, optimistic.

Posted: Jun 21, 2008

gosh lien, this is extremely beautiful! the first stanza opens the poem with some fantastic imagery for all the senses. i can hear the waves crashing on the shore and see the footsteps in the sand fading away as water washes over them - it was a brilliant way to describe it!
you then go into the second stanza with the "whistle of the wind" - another clever line - and fabulous imagery there as well. the next stanza is my second favorite because i loved how you used "locked" and "jewel" (i'll get to which stanza was my favorite here shortly ^^)
then we have chateau - might i add that this line is one of my favorites as well - ah and following that comes my favorite stanza:

Petals of hope drift from the Heavens
Fervent to bring rest for the somnolent souls
Guarding their comatose hearts but keeping their reminiscences

this stanza is absolutely positively lovely! the first line made my jaw drop - it was soooo beautiful :)
and then you close it sweetly with the tender bunny ^^ a cute way to end the poem!

you did well on the challenge and the poem was marvelous!
"Alice, I hope I did the words justice"
- and you did! two thumbs up :)

Posted: Jun 21, 2008

Well first i want to thank peachy for putting me onto this poem and the one above i will read next. Also great use of Alice's words and challenge. Ok, I must say this is a stunning poem. The intensity of emotion is beautifully played out in the stunning images. There is also a wonderful conflict in the poem which I will come to shortly. The language is rather dark and solemn; “disheartening dark” and “mandatory barrenness” it gives the image of loneliness, as does the setting. Oh, I find the ocean at night beautiful, but the storm image in the first stanza conveys the feeling of a love in its wildest throws battering the senses. If we step into the next stanza we feel the depth of that emotion, a sense of longing, “depths that no mind can comprehend...thoughts no soul can sense”
There’s also universal sense of love in the poem “remnants of lives, shards of dreams” as though stood in the barrenness of the shore one feels the pain and longing of other souls who have stood there with the same emotions raging in their hearts. “like some prized jewel” I take as a metaphor for love, and there’s a sense of love found, love lost as they leave “behind those who loved them…in their mandatory barrenness”
The conflict comes in the “pearls of hope” which as a totally different feel to it in relation to the dark language of the rest of the poem. This stanza is full of conflicts, there’s the petals of hope, passion, and comatose. It’s as though the image of love is ready to explode or wake within the hearts of those who idly dream of that passionate encounter. The last stanza as a haunting feel to it, as though the images of love and lost souls haunt the shore and forever will he/she be changed by that experience. It will linger in the heart with an emptiness which needs or longs to find that soul mate. To me this is a poem about love, but the longing of a love not yet realised. A beautifully written poem!!
Hope i made some sort of sense?

Posted: Jun 22, 2008

Great poem.

Posted: Jun 22, 2008

Great poem, and very beautiful imagery...I can see everything in my mind throughout the entire poem.

You know the first thing I thought when I read your challenge was "My bunny lies over the ocean....my bunny lies over the sea...." hahahaha

However beautiful it is, I couldn't reach a definite interpretation though. While I can glimpse at the identity of the "they," I can't interpolate the relationships of "they", the setting, and the bunny, nor could I find what it was that they gave love to... :(

A lot of the poem was written in the participle voice phrases without a clear indication to the subject:

"Making sure their voices are heard..."

"The song reaching depths that no mind can comprehend..."

"shards of dreams/Glistening like a prized jewel."

I think it is a beautiful sentence structure to be using in this poem, and poetry can definitely bend the rules on grammar however it pleases. I can understand your reason for using these types of phrases but it simply confused me on the subject/object relationships.

That was really great though! Keep up the good work.

Posted: Jun 22, 2008

Omg now that I read your reply it makes so much more sense...so deep !! Aha I'm a little dense sometimes lol. Much thanks to the explanation. It really helped me :D

Posted: Jun 22, 2008

Hehe, I got it, but I don't have to tell you that, we is smart people, lol.

Very beautiful even if it does have the word bunny in it xD

~DarkFairy~

Posted: Jun 23, 2008