Random First Lines: Derest Ana,I've betrayed youonce, yet again.IN the mirror,you've shown me truth.Though I was blindand did not... : Young Adult » Read
Welcome Visitor: 
Here is a short poem I wrote today. It deals with sunlight. It's my first attempt at writing a poem, so please list out the flaws. I think it's sort of okay, but the teachers think it's nice. But its your opinion that matters to me. View table of contents...
Submitted: Aug 8, 2008 Reads: 66 Comments: 12 Likes: 3
The Sun gives light
Which is bright;
A wonderful sight
Which can be seen
From morn till night
It looks wonderful!
The dazzling sky;
‘Tis beautiful,
Extremely refreshing!
At dawn when the Sun rises,
The world awakes;
And each individual
Makes up his mind to do good in the day.
So! It can be said,
That the Sunlight
Is a very great inspiration;
Email this story |
Print Story |
Add to reading list
Very nice poem. Filled with a sort of hope and warmth. It flowed nicely, too. I loke it. ^^
Posted: Aug 8, 2008
Hi Jack,
This poem was good, it tells about the need and values the sunlight can bring. Surely something to stop and think about next time the sun shines =]
Posted: Aug 8, 2008
WELL
let me give you a detail-by-detail analysis.
*pulls out notebook and puts pen in teeth*
So. I liked it.
And umm, it's true.
And umm, well...I could obviously do with having some of this "sunlight". Its properties seem tempting.
I shall test your "inspiration" theory and get back to you.
xoxo.rebel.
Posted: Aug 9, 2008
Hey Jack :) Your style reminds me of a lot of 18th and 19 century poets that I really like (and that is a really good thing). The rhyme scheme is upheld brilliantly and the imagery is superb. You truly have talent sir. Take care, Regan
Posted: Aug 11, 2008
The sun chases the darkness and shadows away. What more inspieration do you need? =) A very good poem =)
~Mandy
Posted: Aug 15, 2008
A great poem. Short, sweet and beautiful. I don't agree with every single line (like 'Makes up his mind to do good in the day.') but I see the message you are portraying and I liked it. Again...great work.
Posted: Aug 16, 2008
hi! jack. the sunlight not only brightens up the day, it provides the necessary warmth and signals the break of another day. very thoughtful poem. keep rolling. lol. ;-)
Posted: Aug 17, 2008
Good job on this one as well.The sunlight can be really refreshing.To me it reminds me that I'm still alive and how lucky I am.You and I sorta have the same inspirations in poems.You should check mine out on nature and rain.
Posted: Aug 19, 2008
Greetings. Oh I can smell some angry people coming my way. Ah well...
All in all I thnk this poem is exactly what you said it was. A good first try. Like your teachers said it is nice. Stressing 'nice' here.
It was a pleasant read but I was never really moved. It had lots of bits that I could see coming before I got there.
The same goes for the imagary. Its there but its nothing special.
My suggestion to you is nothing like my norm. I usually bitch about rhymes and grammer etc. Lucky for you this poem was actually thought out fully. You put effort in that I must say was the most pleasing thing in your whole peice.
In future I would suggest you try and pour yourself into your work.
To explain. Anyone on earth could have posted this piece and called it thiers. It doesn't bare your mark as a poet.
Your imagery should create your images and portrey your look on the world.
Get it?
To explain I would suggest reading "A tale of two cities" first page. It show you how unique the writing style was. No one else on earth writes like that.
Keep it up though. It was way better than most of the first trys I have read. A little practice and you will come into your own.
Good Luck and keep at it.
As always just a thought.
Posted: Aug 22, 2008
This is another awesome poem.
Though I kinda agree with Rabbid, it does lack your personal touch to it.
But other than that, it is an amazing piece of art!
~Apple~
Posted: Sep 2, 2008
I agree with Rabbid Rabbit. It was a good first try at a poem. In the beginning you used too many sentences ending with the same sound: Light, Bright, Sight. Too many rhymes in a row. Its also good to express your emotions in it by putting exclamation points, but sometimes, by the way you put your words people can understand the happy parts. And without the exclamation points its easier to have a more settle way of reading it. I also do understand its by the sun, but I didn't get much imagery out of it.
Other than that, great first try! Ha Ha MUCH better than my first try xD And sorry if I said bad stuff...I don't like it when I hurt people criticizing. You do have a wonderful talent, and I'm off to read more of your poetry!
Posted: Sep 3, 2008
Sorry...Agreeing with Rabbit on this. But I'm a bit late. So I've read some of your other things and I have to say you've really improved...Especially since this was your frist try. Good though! Can't really say I lkie the sun though, My skin is probably the closest anyone's will ever get to paper sunburn :(. LOL. Nice job. :)
Posted: Sep 24, 2008
© Copyright 2008 Jack12 All rights reserved. Jack12 has granted theNextBigWriter, LLC non-exclusive rights to display this work on Booksie.com.
Other writing by Jack12 Limerick - Jack Steals Food. Defeat Turns to Victory The Heavy Rain The Aliens of Planet Supernova The Start of the School Year More..
Love, Poetry, Death, Life, Poem, Romance, Pain, Fantasy, Hope, Sad, Sex, Hate, God, Horror, War, Humor, Hurt, Sadness, Loss, Dark, Fiction, Depression, Heart, Family, Friendship.
