Depression-You never know when it will appear...
Sometimes it just pops up from out of nowhere.
I just start feeling lonely and blue,
And no matter what I just can't seem to shake it...
I just don't know what to do.
I feel so helpless and alone,
I have for a long time; now that you're gone.
I look around-
and see people everywhere living their lives...
And yet I sit here-unable to make a sound.
I can't move on-
I can't trust-I try to be strong.
I just sit and cry so many tears...
Holding onto self-doubt-
and old fears.
When someone new tries to talk to me,
I withdraw into the safety-
of my shell...
hoping that nobody can see-noone can tell.
That I am terrified-
Too afraid to live-been there-already tried,
But when the best isn't good enough-
What do you do then?
How do you forget that true love?
So here I sit-depressed again-
Trying to come back from where I've been-
trapped for so long.
Hating myself for losing you;
foolishly holding on to a love that is gone.
Mindless, pointless wishes-
of what used to be-long, passionate kisses,
tender hugs, loving every moment together,
So many memories...
That will have to last forever.
I know that I will never stop loving you,
but I'm so tired of the pain that I'm going through.
Please someone tell me what to do...
How can I let go and get past this chapter of my life-
How can I get over this depressionfrom losing you?
Why can't I believe in myself anymore?
Why can't I simply walk out and close that door-
Lock up my memories in my heart-
Just throw away the key-
and somehow stop falling apart.
Why do I feel like I don't deserve to be loved?
Like nothing I do is ever good enough.
Why do I feel useless-
I know it started long ago, not just with you...
These feelings-unloved, ugly and helpless.
It all started with the years of abuse-
That left me beaten, battered and bruised.
It left me with a heart full of bitterness, sadness and so much pain,
that I have never moved past-
I watched so many years just wash down the drain...
You can't change the past no matter how painful it may be...
But I just wish I could believe in me.
I wish the sadness would just go away...
And that somehow I would magically awaken to a bright, new day.
That I could trust again-
Spend some time with old and new friends...
But I can't seem to get past so much betrayal...
Starting with him (my rapist), many men in between and ending with you.
Why pick myself up-only to once again fail?
I guess I just feel like it's a lost cause sometimes,
So many rapists get away with their crimes-
because of the fear that we victims feel-
Too afraid to stop it...
We just take it and learn to deal...
With the pain, the lonliness-
depression, rivers of tears, sadness.
We keep it all bottled up inside-
Never trusting in ourselves or others-
Even the ones who never lied.
Now that I look back that's probably why you're gone.
I never thought I deserved you...
I never believed in me-
What a shame to lose out on the one thing that was true.
I lost you and I know it's too late...
I ruined it with my own self-hate.
I can never go back and change that I know...
so what do I do now-
Where do I go?...
From here-how do I?
get past this sadness and stop the tears I cry?
How do I get past the horrible depression that engulfs every fiber of my being...
Why should I go on?
Then I remember five reasons.
The five reasons that I get up every morning and face the day...
That with one smile, hug and kiss can make me believe that it will all be okay.
My reasons to live-
I just wish I was completely well-
mind and spirit-
That I had more to give.
I feel inadequate as a woman and a mother...
Good enough to be a friend, but never a lover.
The one thing that gets me through that I do only for me-
so much is done for everybody else-
is my writing-it sets me free.
I couldn't sleep tonight...
I had to get up and just write.
I feel better, not great,
Not feeling as much self-hate.
Now I can go to bed and rest...
Not quite as depressed.
Feeling calm enough to sleep for awhile-maybe...
Until the next time I am feeling this way-
Then with pen in hand I'll once again try to write those feelings away.