Don't Call Me Beautiful
Looking inside of me-
I see many things I don't want to see.
I see thirty eight wasted years-
A life full of fears.
So many things I long to do-
Believing in me is only one of a few.
Becoming a published writer is high on the list,
Making up for the things I've missed.
I want to trust again-
I want to find my best friend,
I'm thinking lately that maybe I will be able to love again someday,
But I know it is going to take awhile for these past feelings to go away…
They'll never disappear-
But maybe they'll diminish without you here.
Maybe in time I will find happiness and heal my heart,
Soon I'll find somebody to be there for me since we are apart.
I am trying to let people in and not push them away-
But it is so hard to hear the things they say-
You're beautiful, blah, blah, blah-my love-
Never been great at accepting compliments of-
The beauty they say I possess-
It forces me back into my shell-I regress.
I don't see what they see-
I can't believe that anybody would want to be with me.
I try to look at myself through their eyes-
But I just can't and then I realize…
That this self-hatred started so long ago-
When the bastard said, "You are going to hell-you know"
"It's your fault that I raped you-
I couldn't help myself-what could I do?
You are so BEAUTIFUL you see-
It's all your fault-you made me."
I was only ten years old-
And now I remember why I can't stand to be told-
I'm beautiful-by anybody-to this day…
It's one word I wish they'd never say.
Reading a story written by a friend triggered this memory-
Something I had buried deep inside of me.
Just one line said-
Brought it all crashing back into my head…
So as I pick up my pen and write,
I will thank my friend tonight.
For now I realize why I cringe and back away-
At some of the things that guys say.
It helps to get this on paper and out of my mind-
And I am still hoping that somewhere out there is the love that I am supposed to find.
Maybe one that will leave the word beautiful out of conversations-
That can understand what I've been through and be open to suggestions…
Like just love me,
Hold me when I'm having a bad memory-
Don't try to rush me into anything serious, not yet-
I am still trying to let go of a love I'll never forget.
I know it's been two years since he left me alone-
And yes I have accepted the fact that he's gone…
But if something was perfect and still didn't last-
He loved me in spite of my past…
Then how can I have hope of a new love-
How will I know if they'll stick it out when things get tough-
And believe me it is not easy to love me-
When I am still living and dealing with tragedy.
I call the years of rape just that one word,
As unfortunately my silent screams for help were never heard.
I died inside at that moment-
But I somehow rose above the torment…
When I was with you-
You made me believe in me because you do,
Or you did-at least you brightened my world-for awhile-
And I would give anything for one more kiss, one more smile.
So I try to open my heart just a little to new love-
Please don't think that means you're never thought of-
Because CJ I will always love you…
But I can't sit here lonely anymore-I have to grab some happiness even if it is only passing through.
So maybe it's time to melt my cold frozen heart-
And hold onto the happy memories-before we were apart.
Let go of the bad-
And cherish the moments that we had.