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Don't Call Me Beautiful

Poetry By: jenwritingisinmysoul38
Poetry



I read a story written by a friend and one line in it triggered this memory that explains my reaction to being called beautiful.


Submitted:May 25, 2007    Reads: 120    Comments: 2    Likes: 0   


Don't Call Me Beautiful

Looking inside of me-

I see many things I don't want to see.

I see thirty eight wasted years-

A life full of fears.

So many things I long to do-

Believing in me is only one of a few.

Becoming a published writer is high on the list,

Making up for the things I've missed.

I want to trust again-

I want to find my best friend,

I'm thinking lately that maybe I will be able to love again someday,

But I know it is going to take awhile for these past feelings to go away…

They'll never disappear-

But maybe they'll diminish without you here.

Maybe in time I will find happiness and heal my heart,

Soon I'll find somebody to be there for me since we are apart.

I am trying to let people in and not push them away-

But it is so hard to hear the things they say-

You're beautiful, blah, blah, blah-my love-

Never been great at accepting compliments of-

The beauty they say I possess-

It forces me back into my shell-I regress.

I don't see what they see-

I can't believe that anybody would want to be with me.

I try to look at myself through their eyes-

But I just can't and then I realize…

That this self-hatred started so long ago-

When the bastard said, "You are going to hell-you know"

"It's your fault that I raped you-

I couldn't help myself-what could I do?

You are so BEAUTIFUL you see-

It's all your fault-you made me."

I was only ten years old-

And now I remember why I can't stand to be told-

I'm beautiful-by anybody-to this day…

It's one word I wish they'd never say.

Reading a story written by a friend triggered this memory-

Something I had buried deep inside of me.

Just one line said-

Brought it all crashing back into my head…

So as I pick up my pen and write,

I will thank my friend tonight.

For now I realize why I cringe and back away-

At some of the things that guys say.

It helps to get this on paper and out of my mind-

And I am still hoping that somewhere out there is the love that I am supposed to find.

Maybe one that will leave the word beautiful out of conversations-

That can understand what I've been through and be open to suggestions…

Like just love me,

Hold me when I'm having a bad memory-

Don't try to rush me into anything serious, not yet-

I am still trying to let go of a love I'll never forget.

I know it's been two years since he left me alone-

And yes I have accepted the fact that he's gone…

But if something was perfect and still didn't last-

He loved me in spite of my past…

Then how can I have hope of a new love-

How will I know if they'll stick it out when things get tough-

And believe me it is not easy to love me-

When I am still living and dealing with tragedy.

I call the years of rape just that one word,

As unfortunately my silent screams for help were never heard.

I died inside at that moment-

But I somehow rose above the torment…

When I was with you-

You made me believe in me because you do,

Or you did-at least you brightened my world-for awhile-

And I would give anything for one more kiss, one more smile.

So I try to open my heart just a little to new love-

Please don't think that means you're never thought of-

Because CJ I will always love you…

But I can't sit here lonely anymore-I have to grab some happiness even if it is only passing through.

So maybe it's time to melt my cold frozen heart-

And hold onto the happy memories-before we were apart.

Let go of the bad-

And cherish the moments that we had.





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