Scarlett Fever

Random First Lines: The whispers deep within my heart,Have been going on since the very start,I’ve been broken… Torn... : Poetry » Read

Poem By: Menice
Poetry

Tags: sole, believed, native, american, fear, sky, paradise, she, mountain, storms, shunned, normally, canter, doldrums, shadows, collide, parade, streams, towards, scarlett

what do you see View table of contents...

Submitted: Aug 19, 2007 Reads: 61 Comments: 3 Likes: 0

You believed the moment I thrust my arms to hold you close.

Your soul shunned my presents like scorched razors.

Standing above the rest while normally tiny and restricted.

Eyes stone sour, fierce blood engulfed hurricane skies.

Within moments we where seized by the new world.

You clenched your shawl and foresaw California’s mining furies.

Now oceans apart from nature’s saving grace.

Gray doldrums are passed on, the hopeless ones.

Our medicines soon quiver, fade, then die.

The shadows of our spirits collide far, far away from hear.

Cease to be a river, for our daughter’s teachings.

Trash cans scattered amongst these endless roads.

The storms parade far away from hear.

These shadows secrete our innermost fears.

She longs to canter above fair skies

And on towards the mountain streams of paradise.

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Comments:

hi!

i love this poem, it has a really good flow and you are brilliant with your choice of words and imagery.

Please, however, could you do a spellcheck on your work. It just means when people read your poetry they don't get distracted by anything and can focus on how good it is.

cheers

matmoo

Posted: Aug 19, 2007

Author Comment:

Thank you...can do

Flo

Hello Love,
I thought I'd tell you once again how incredible this poem is. I'm really proud of you. I've always told you you are brilliant, and now you have another comment to prove it.
Always and Forever,
Your Flo

Posted: Aug 19, 2007

The Elusive Mountain Chard
(not registered user)

sup bro.

I dig it. You impress me with your imagery and I enjoyed it immensely. You should definitely do a spell check, that will help your readers a lot. Also, in terms of modification, you should also see a poem as a work in progress. A couple tricks of the trade I think will help your writing style a lot. Many writers use something called "emjambment" which is when the end of the sentence does not end at the end of the line. Like:
I walked down
the street to market.

By using this you can emphasize certain words which are more important.

Also; take this line for example:

"The storms parade far away from hear.

These shadows secreate our innermost fears."

Instead, try something like this:

The storms parade far away from
hearing those shadows secrete our innermost
fears.

and you can blend senses, called synesthesia, like smelling sights or hearing touch.

I think you have the elements for a very good poem here. The most important thing is to meditate on the images themselves in relation to the whole poem. What are you trying to share with your reader? Is it a feeling only? Or is there an idea there.

Peace out man and take care.