"An angel died that night"
Tags:
death,
angel,
missing,
mourning,
good,
bye,
forever,
heart,
ache,
tattoo,
arm,
love,
charm,
wittiness,
cry,
smile,
brotherly,
love,
fool,
smile
On June 28, 2008, a guy who was like a brother to me had passed away. I have been mourning his death ever since and decided to take my hurt out in a poem.
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Submitted: Jul 2, 2008
Reads: 61
Comments: 4
Likes: 0
Origanally titles as "Death of an Angel"
but someone had that title.
~~
At first I thought you were a fool
but that's because you made me smile
but then you were like my brother
forgetting you now is going to take a while
You had such an amazing smile
the kind that warms your heart
I wasn't fond of the tattoos
but I realized what you were trying to impart
Your death hit me like a bullet
and it made me cry
I haven't seen you in so long
and now I have to say a final good bye
An angel died that night
not the angel on his arm
but the angel that he was
an angel who was full of wittiness and charm
He'll be forever missed
as he remains in our hearts
and I will always remember
the day we had to part
~~
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Comments:
that is really really good.
Posted: Jul 3, 2008
Anon.
(not registered user)
Hm, so let me see...
Your word choice is okay, not the best but not awful. I'm going to have to say watch your words, "impart" can't really be used there... it doesn't make any sense.
Rhythm is kind of sporadic. Saying "And now I have to say goodbye" is a LOT less awkward.
The fourth stanza is my least favorite, I have to say. The bit about "angel on his arm" is confusing (I'm guessing a tattoo, but...?) and the last line in that stanza breaks the beat. "An angel full of wittiness and charm" is better, but not by a lot.
Last stanza, you do not "Have part" but instead "have to part." Fix that and it's definitely my favorite part of the poem.
Posted: Jul 5, 2008
Anon.
(not registered user)
Impart "To make known or tell; to give, bestow, or communicate; to give" (to impart a secret, to impart knowledge) "To reveal or divulge"
One really cannot merely impart, one must impart something (a personality trait, an idea). It's better to rework a poem than to use an ill-chosen word just because it rhymes.
Posted: Jul 5, 2008
i liked it good choice of words, good poem
Posted: Jul 12, 2008
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