Breaking My Own Heart
I’ve caught myself again, waiting for you.
I’m just a hypocrite, telling everyone to be strong when I’m weaker than anyone else.
I feel as though I can only blame myself for letting me believe in you again,
But it’s happened so many times now that it just seems too normal.
I’ve never been this weak before, I’ve never let my guard down, until because of you.
You changed something inside me, something that I haven’t shown anyone in a long time.
But I find myself regretting my decision to let you see each and every time I find myself completely alone,
Without hope, full of fear, and hanging dry without you.
I’m not going to cry, I’m not going to think, I’m just going to act.
I’m just tired of it, and I’m waiting for the end.
For our end.
But what’s even worse is that I don’t want it to end, I want to go on.
That’s not for the best, just for my selfish reasons. Except you’re selfish.
You took a chance with me and acted like it was nothing. You threw it aside and left me behind.
And all for what? Because you care about someone else, just like I thought you did?
Were you lying to me this whole time, when you said that you loved me, but really you didn’t even care at all?
What’s even worse is that even if you did want to use me for your own reasons, you didn’t even use me.
So maybe, some time ago, you did love me and now it’s gone.
Maybe you loved me but something was blocking it, something prevented it from ever growing into something real.
It doesn’t matter now. I don’t have you.
And even though this is you fault; I shouldn’t have accepted you in the first place, knowing that I still have some love for someone else.
I just never expected to love two people at the same time, when I thought I extinguished my wants for someone else a long time ago.
Maybe it wasn’t your fault; maybe it was still partially mine.
And even if it was, I still don’t want this to end. I still don’t want to lose you.
I know that you love me, you know that I love you, I can’t function and be myself without you.
Don’t leave. Don’t let this end into something disastrous.
Because I’ll always love you, and we know it. We’ll always love each other.
So let’s not throw something as special and beautiful as that away.