- Fearful -

Fearful

There are lots of reasons to be fearful, afraid, and scared

Some reasonable, some not, some logical, again, some not

But I guess my fear could breach all four categories,

But that may be only because I don’t understand it myself.

Why is it that I feel my heart flutter whenever I speak to you,

Why is it that whenever I think of you, I feel my heart thumping harder in my chest?

And why am I so afraid of this, why can’t I accept it?

…Why can’t I accept love?

***

I feel as though years have passed since I’ve known you,

Times wasted, times earned, times that I’m grateful for have been spent with you.

The world love has been exchanged, and yet, I still find this large, looming hole of doubt inside me

Each day, it grows, as we slowly drift apart from each other…

Each day, I become even more frightened of what lies ahead of us.

Each day, regret swells inside me as I realized that I’m losing you.

Forever.

If I had known that this would be the agonizing pain I would have to go through, as we slowly drift apart,

I would have never loved you.

I would have never wanted to spend those times with you, those times that I had been grateful for so long ago.

What is the point, as we try to keep ourselves happy?

This isn’t happiness; this is torture.

Why can’t we accept the point that what has been done is done, and there is no going back now?

Why can’t we accept the fact that our love for each other is no good?

Still, I speak untruthfully, saying that I give up those times with you,

That I wouldn’t want to go through this agonizing pain that has crippled and paralyzed my heart.

Those are lies, lies that are trying to keep my mental stability sane,

Lies that protect me from the truth.

The hurtful truth that I will still love you throughout time, but you will never love me back.

The truth that I knew it was a bad idea from the start, but I wanted to give love another shot anyway.

The truth that this gaping hole in my chest is my own fault.

I don’t want to lose you, but you’re already gone.

I reach, but there is no one there to hold.

Loneliness, I have endured before.

But that was filled with self-pity and hate,

Not jealousy and love that I have felt for you for so long.

The words I speak, they are confusing and overbearing.

But please, try to understand me.

I know that you’ll never love me back, and I know that I’ll never come to terms with that.

But, don’t forget me.

That is what I fear the most, that this was for nothing.

That this bad idea was truly that, and has no purpose whatsoever in either of our loves.

Fearful, I may be, and hope is still far away.

But I still love you.