If Anyone Knew

If Anyone Knew

I sit here,

Once again,

Trying to keep these damn tears from falling,

But it doesn’t work.

It never works.

How many times have I found myself in this same position,

And in the end, I want to blame it on other people?

But I know that’s not true.

I’ve always known that’s not true.

But why do I have to be so damn sensitive, why can’t this shell I hide inside be bullet proof?

The outsiders look in, and they must be convinced that I’m just an idiot,

A stupid idiot who put this upon herself.

But I didn’t want to be, I didn’t want to be so insecure that I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I didn’t want to be so dead inside that no one makes me feel alive.

And I know that I didn’t want to feel so broken and ravaged once again that I couldn’t put myself back together.

We all have bad days they say,

But what about every single day?

What if every day for the past year of your life has been filled with misery, depression, and unbearable sadness?

I’m not crying out for others to save or help me, I just wish others wouldn’t try to relate.

Because you mustn’t know what it’s like to hate yourself so much that you just wish you want to die.

Or maybe you do.

Maybe I’m just too selfish to believe the opposite.

So what’s stopping me? What’s stopping me from finally ending this happy-forsaken life?

I guess it’s because I’m still too naïve and believe that maybe someday I will be happy.

But then again, that’s probably untrue,

And maybe, just one day, I’ll finally end this unforgiving life.

Maybe there are other’s that feel the same way, but I’m just too broken to care anymore.