Pieces of a Shadow

Pieces of a Shadow

With the shadows fading, the black and white blurring,

The paint chipping off the walls…

What becomes of me.

Split in two, I break apart, and I’m left to stand,

Looking outside this broken mirror.

Past the anger, past the hate, past the numbness, past everything a part of my being,

I can’t even see hope.

Once that moment comes when you don’t care about understanding yourself anymore,

Once you realize that it doesn’t matter what happens to yourself,

What have you left to live for?

Because there are friends, there’s family that cares, but still,

I didn’t take that kindness; I didn’t take that empathy and stop feeling sad for myself,

I didn’t care that they cared about me.

So what’s to stop me now as I self-destruct for the third time,

Finally able to let go as the shadows start to reappear and cloud around me,

Right as everything is as muddled as rain.

Love – it would have to be the answer, in some ways,

In some cases. Not…

Mine.

Because at the end of the day, when you sit in bed, and let the tears fall,

I can’t help but think of everyone else.

Everyone else that I used to care about that has the same exact problem as me,

As the thousands of people in this world do.

And I think about him, and I think about her, and seeing them in sadness makes me cave in even more,

Makes me feel like death is imminent,

Is my only option,

And the sickness as the hate you have for yourself rolls across your stomach distorts everything.

Why can’t you care,

Why can’t you love,

Why can’t you do anything but hate yourself to the point you’ve contemplated it?

It—

So many times, so many ways, in so many different places,

But something always holds you back.

Yet you can’t seem to get that ‘something’ back, that stopped you from popping the entire bottle of pills,

That ‘something’ that kept you from slitting your wrist,

That ‘something’ from putting a bullet to the brain.

All of it, seems fitting, leaving the world like a coward,

Because that’s how it has been for so long.

You can’t stand up for yourself anymore— you don’t even want to.

So what’s the matter? What’s the point of it all?

Tears falling, morals gone,

Nothing matters.

And even though you think of the ones that care, the ones that have tried and tried to help you along the way,

Once again: you don’t even care.

The second piece of me doesn’t care anymore; it’s dull, lifeless eyes scream that to me—

And I realize with a start that mine look the exact same.

And so I say:

Beautiful shadow, take me with you, to the land of darkness,

So that I don’t have to feel guilty about living in this world anymore,

So I don’t have to contemplate of why I’m still alive to this day.

Beautiful shadow—

…

Make the pain go away.