The Immediate Losing Game

Hot tears begin to form, as they slowly slide down, regardless of my shut eyes.

I close my mouth to keep the sobs that have been buried inside me so long, and turn away from everyone else.

I will not cry, I won’t let anyone see me cry, because there’s nothing more shameful in the world.

The tears reseed, I gain my composure, and all goes back to normal.

Normal and mundane, it is.

Nothing is normal with what’s brewing inside me.

Something is churning, twisting, and being created inside of this shell of a body:

A ball of conjured up emotions of nothing, of emotions that I don’t need.

Being emotional is not apart of who I am, it’s not me.

So why are these feels deep inside, why have they ever been born?

I can’t let them out, I can’t let them take over me, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

Instead, I am the fury joker, the one who always points fun and laughs;

The one who could knock someone’s lights out in a click.

The real me, that’s who I am. No one else can change who I am,

But everyone else is changing around me.

What happened to the friends I knew, the friends I made – difficultly – throughout the trials of my years?

Everyone else “matures” and moves on, leaving me, the kid, behind with the rest of the lost.

But I’m not lost…am I?

I’ve separated into three people, that bring their own emotions, their own problems,

Their own weaknesses.

Except I know that at least two of us are going to lose this game.

Because only one of me can survive.