The Pain Did Not Fade
It starts out quiet.
That’s how it always starts.
Because one moment, when no one’s around, you don’t have to worry;
Worry about putting up fake appearances to make sure no one worries,
To make sure that no one wants to send you…away.
Because that’s what they want to do; declare you crazy and put you on someone else,
So they won’t have to “worry”.
In that moment, the fake smile finally fades, and the forced laugh lines become permanent,
And you just realize what’s wrong with you.
There’s no label to fit— you don’t even want one anymore.
You just want it to stop,
You want the emotional pain to fade away, to leave you like everyone else important has done to you,
It makes sense, doesn’t it?
Wanting the pain to fade away?
Wrong, you’re lying to yourself once again.
Because, if once and for all, the pain does fade away, then you’re a literal piece of nothing,
An empty, hollow shell, that’s just taking up space.
Why are you here? Why are you breathing? Why, are you, alive?
Because you feel just as dead as someone lying, rotting, dead, six feet under the ground—
You might as well be. And the only thing that’s stopping you from finally ending it all?
Is the same, single feeling you have now: the pain,
It’s eating away, tearing you away;
It makes you want to leave, but it begs for you to stay, as it dangles a small vision of hope in your face.
Love? It doesn’t mean anything, you don’t know what love is.
- Stuck in a forever depressing reality. That’s your love now.
The rest of you is just gone, faded into the shadows, that beckon for your soul to depart with them,
Die. Die. Die. Die. They plead.
Death? You continue to ask.
Your grip – it is – slipping, you’re losing the void feeling of yours, you can’t let go,
The last finger falls—
And, for what seems like the second time, it all comes crashing down on top of you.
Again. And again.
Again, again, again, and once more: again.
You want it to stop, you stop, but it?
It doesn’t stop.
It. Never. Fucking. Stops.
You can’t concentrate anymore, that little façade that you were sure of yourself, while no one was around?
You better believe that it’s already gone.
The paper in front of you starts to distort in wavy lines, shaking back and forth, like it’s trapped beneath water.
And you don’t like crying.
The anger inside you builds, swells into your chest: you don’t like crying.
But does it listen?
----> Of course not! Since when has you own body ever listened to yourself?
No, no, no, no, no, no,
NO. Your eyes are closed, your head is shaking along to the beat of your denying pleas—
Crashing sounds emit in the air, as you wipe your hands across the entire surface in front of you,
Sending everything cluttering to the floor.
Stop, stop, stop. You whimper.
Why is this happening now? Why is this happening to you?
Hands reach to your eyes, covering your face, you can’t take it. You can’t take it any longer;
Chest heaves up and down, sobs break your spine and back, this is it.
This in the end.
Your long awaited demise is hear, despite what you thought.
Despite the pain you’ve endured,
Despite the loads of self-hatred that you’ve involuntarily inflicted on yourself,
It’s here, waiting for you, it’s what you wanted.
And the eyes…they open.
And then a jaw-wrenching scream unloads from you and fingers grasp at your hair, tearing out strands,
Because you realize that you have to face the same exact thing,
To a T,
The next day.
And the day after that,
And the day after that,
And the day after that, for the rest of your life.
Every. Single. Day.
The pain that never went away, even though you begged for it to?
The pain never stops.
And you finally fade away into the darkness as a lifeless corpse,
The state you found yourself living in for so long.