Oh Father

You were lying on your bed

Fighting to survive

I stood aside

watching you

wondering

the precious time

we squandered

Father

when I first set my foot in the school

You weren't there

Do you know

how desperate and disappointed I was

when I looked up to Mom

and asked

"Where's Daddy?"

Father

when I first got my perfect score

the only thing in my mind

was to tell you

This time you were here

I wanted to see you happy

I wanted to see you proud

of your little boy

but when I ran into your office

"Not now,"

was all I got

Father

when I received my first trophy

I didn't care about their praises

all I wanted

was your acknowledgement

your presence

instead

you asked Mom

to apologize

on your behalf

again

Father

Do you know

the annual Father-Son competition

is the day I dreaded most

Every year

I anticipated

us, together,

defeating the other teams

instead

I have to fake one more smile

and say

"My dad can't make it

again."

Growing up

I got used to your absence

your indifference

sometimes

I wonder

do you even care

One day

you took me by the hand

and brought me to the park

said you wanted to spend time with me

I used to long for this day

but

that particular moment

I never wanted to go

never wanted to be with you

You took out a football

you had no idea

how much I hated football

you took out a basketball

you had no clue

how much I despised basketball

you thought

I was like the other boys

when I'm

your one and only

son

That was the only day

we got to spend time together

for once

in 16 years

before illness came

and forced you

to succumb to it

You were lying on you bed

you squinted your eyes

and asked me to come forward

you held my hands tight

you looked me straight in the eye

and whispered breathlessly

"You're my only son

my only child

yet I feel like

we're nothing more than strangers

living under the same roof

how did we end up here?"

Silence, quiet

were all I can give to you

I know

I know

I didn't know what to say

They say

Blood is thicker than water

but

without the elements

of love

of sincerity

of care

blood

is meaningless

"I'm sorry, son"

is not what I wanted

All I wanted

were your love

your attention

your care

Yet

you failed to give them to me

all along

I wish I can turn back time

I wish I have magic

so I can heal you

so we can rebuild this broken bridge

repair this damaged relationship

so you can be the best father

I never had

Alas

I'm not God

These are just the wishful thinkings

of men

who regret their past mistakes

Seeing you on your deathbed

I forgive you

even though you never did your duty right

as a father

I never wanted you to leave with my resentment

I held your hands tight

and I smiled

at least I know

I'm the last person

to be by your side

before you walked away

from this world

forever