Random First Lines: Life just keeps pullin me downNothin goes my wayGuess it doesnt matter anywayBut these things that I hearLife is... : Poetry » Read
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How I feel, when I am low...unmotivated asleep inside View table of contents...
Submitted: Sep 5, 2008 Reads: 60 Comments: 6 Likes: 3
I want to move but I am frozen
Being held down by a feeling
This feeling is hard to shake
It attaches to me with grip that is strong
Like a skin that is not mine
Squeezing slowly taking away my breath
Like a snake, it tightens and won't let go
I am waiting to move, but I know I cannot
It will subside, It must subside, It is too dark
The enemy inside that takes away my joy
Piss off!!!!
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Greetings! Stumbled across your name as a fan of Jadey O Neill.
I liked this poem and know that poetry is a subjective form of expression. This poem is powerful as it stands written, especially your snake metaphor.
I grew curious about the potential of this metaphor and I mentally experimented substituting words typically associated with the actions of a snake for the action words used within your poem (i.e. frozen, held, and subside). It seemed to help me express my own feelings of which were included in your poem, but that's me, not you.
Would doing this still express your narrator's feelings accurately as well as connect with the snake metaphor more cohesively?
Posted: Sep 5, 2008
Yep, you have a deeper meaning here with constricted feelings....the snake metaphor would be sharp.
HOpe you pull out of it! It's a horrible feeling! But, great poem.
Posted: Sep 7, 2008
That poem is wonderfully correct on the feeling. I love the snake part. You did great. I'm so your fan.
Posted: Sep 7, 2008
It sounds like a horrible feeling and when it subsides, as it must (I particularly liked that line), you may want to rewrite it some, but I'd keep this one as well. I may be wrong, but I gather this was written as it was happening. It is honest and raw and vulnerable. As you said, polishing it would make it different, valuable to be sure, but different.
I especially liked the building toward the end, from near helplessness to anger, and it is the anger that will make you fight. At least that's the way it sounds to me. I've always found anger a potent weapon.
I liked it very much. Sheryl
Posted: Sep 11, 2008
i loved the poem and its blunt message , i rarely have those down moments you speak of but i like your determination to fight back .
Posted: Sep 12, 2008
We tend to feel that way when exposed to crippling emotions such as guilt and worries.
I like every description you wrote. It spoke up the truth. ^^
Posted: Sep 12, 2008
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