No 'R' In Bath

No ‘R’ In Bath

There’s no R in bath and no matter how hard I try,

I simply can’t comply with your phonetic lie.

There’s no R in last

And there’s no R in blast,

I’m finding it hard and I just can’t get passed

That it isn’t the Queen’s English to alter these words

With an extra little R that sounds so absurd.

*

There’s no R in shaft and there’s no R in fast,

If there was I could say that your talking out of your arse!

Staff is another along with raft, laugh and daft,

And don’t get me started on path and giraffe.

Yet mass, gas and maths would be one R too far,

But mask, flask and cast simply leave me aghast,

You leave me no choice but to take you to task.

*

Your U’s become A’s and your OO’s become U’s,

So luck becomes lack and look becomes luck.

Your R’s become W’s, Good Mawning you bid me,

And try as you might you just can’t forgive me

For flattening my vowels and saying what I see,

My accent authentic, but do I really sound twee?

*　

There’s no R in plant and there’s no R in chant,

Yet your imaginary friend isn’t present in ants.

Elephant escapes too along with wants and harassed,

But with slant, vast and asked you have really surpassed

Your dialectal need to baffle and intrigue me

With your verbal modulation that both humours and irritates me.

Your statements become questions

As you babble your inflections

And I’m left to despair to do nothing but laugh

At myself as I continue with my life daarn saarf!!

****