This poem portrays a very serene emotion, and you deliver some picturesque, vivid, and very powerful imagery in doing so. I immensely enjoyed how the poem portrays the details in what the narrator notices, and each imagery connecting to how the narrator feels inside. This was a very good piece of work, and the last lines were my favourite:

No raison d’être
Just observing life
Sitting on an ancient rock

Since you asked for a critique, I will try to give some suggestions that are hopefully helpful as well. One thing that I felt could have improved the poem was more punctuationm, especially at the end of sentences. I agree with the form of poem you wrote and the line breaks, but I feel that since you captalized every line, sometimes it is hard to see where one thought ends and another begins, and some commas and periods could really help the flow, instead of hinder it like some people believe.

Another suggestion I can give is that the images you portray feel a bit spontaneous to me. I think the reason for this is that while I got a clear picture of each of the sections you described, I did not really have a clue of their relative locations, and so I could not form an image in my mind of the whole picture, together with the trees, the pond, and the sky. I think if this was established by the end of the poem, it could be tied in much better with the last lines "Just observing life/Sitting on an ancient Rock."

This was a great piece of writing and I hope you find my suggestions helpful :) Keep up the good work

Posted: Aug 13, 2008

okay, i'm glad u fixed it, it's still amazing!

L ♥

Posted: Aug 13, 2008

An excellent improvement, Ted!! So glad that you were able to use some of the suggestions I offered. The flow is much better with the stanza breaks and the new format rather than having each line run into the next. The suggestions by controverse seem very sound offerings as well.

Happy days.....Jerry

Posted: Aug 13, 2008

Ted, i very much enjoyed the scenery in this poem.
I jsut love the feel of the whole thing.
~katie

Posted: Aug 13, 2008

I'm glad you worked on this some more - you have enhanced waht was already very good! I found some value in Controverse's comments as well for ME to take away. Tiny spell error says the very pedantic AT!!! (meandering, first line second stanza)Like Katie I love the tranquility and the way you have captured a moment in this poem, beautiful writing.

Posted: Aug 13, 2008

what, what, what says the pedantic AT!!!!!!!!!

Posted: Aug 13, 2008

Good descriptions! Overall it was quite nice!

Posted: Aug 13, 2008

Feeling speechless!!!

It soothes and relaxes the mind. Totally mesmerizing imagery... true to its inspiration.

Posted: Aug 14, 2008

Hello Scatterbrain, this poem brought a much-needed mid-week tranquility to my mind. It is more or less a perfect poem, and whatever little corrections it needs have already been aptly mentioned by Controverse, leaving one nothing much to add. I'm just adding a few bits here and there, more of a subjective nature than anything else.

I think you could change the first stanza somewhat - the lines sound rather clipped - not what you would expect from someone who is really being one with his surroundings; the second line, especially, being little less clipped compared to the others, emphasizes their nature.

The second stanza is simply amazing. The description of tranquil water being without wrinkle is unusual and vivid, and explains the reference of Castor and Pollux when you talk about the reflection and the reflected. Most unusual, most haunting....

I have a question reg the third stanza: why have you put an apostrophe after the birds and not after the bullfrogs? You would do better to either not have it at all, or have it after both.

"Mountains purple complete the canvas
painting in my mind" - brings a sense of continuity to the scenes described above - just like a painter moves from part to another part, so do you.

The stanza with beavers and the cause and effect of ripples is extraordinary! It is worth reading this poem again and again simply to revisit that place and time.

The next two stanzas are a bit of a disappointment after the so-far spectacular poem - they sound a little more mundane. Care to either shorten them (by reducing the number of colors) or lengthen them (by adding some element other than colors, so that the mind does not get overwhelmed)?

The last three stanzas are beautiful, again, and soak all the senses. You have ended the poem very well, and that is always a difficult thing.

Posted: Aug 14, 2008

Ted, I love these lines:

"Bucolic edges meandering,

as I gaze the tranquil water"

I miss NH so much right now...thanks for taking me there. :)

Posted: Aug 14, 2008

Oh, and yesterday I forgot to add -
in the stanza:
'Hues in the sky ever shifting,
tawny, crimson, orange and yellow,
lavender, pink and lilac,
all sprawling across azure heavens'

if you interchange the words 'sky' and 'heavens', making the lines sound 'hues in the heavens ever shifting ....... all sprawling across azure skies', it will sound better. 'Hues' and 'heavens' will alliterate, and 'azure skies' always sounds better than 'azure heavens'.

Posted: Aug 15, 2008

Ok, wow! This version flows right off the tongue! Absolutely lovely. The changes have made it even better - who'd of thought? It's a great poem, Ted just love it! ~ Nixie

Posted: Aug 16, 2008

Hi Ted! What a lovely poem. I can picture the imagery in my mind. Keep up the good work! c",)

Posted: Aug 16, 2008

Ted, I like the changes a great deal. When I read this in its original format, I felt as if I was right there sitting on that "ancient rock" experiencing it for myself.

In this format (my favorite), I'm listening to the writer. I'm pausing to reflect where you do. I'm experiencing it at the same pace. In effect, I'm no longer reading, I'm listening.

And I'm not sure any of that made any sense! Suffice it to say, I didn't think this could get much better but it did!
Sheryl

Posted: Aug 17, 2008

Hey Ted :) Better late than never I guess, hehe. The original grabbed at me and just wouldn't let go. This one does it in a more concentrated way (I can't explain how really..). Ted, you're an amazing writer who will no doubt keep getting better and better. I love it! Take care, Regan

Posted: Aug 22, 2008

pocketing a moment of solitude
tranquil water


Rain lightly dropping, cooling the air,

cloaking me with contentment

Swathed with nature,

connecting my soul,

a soul that's full and resonating


ANd u have successfully transferred that EUPHORIA to all of us....

I am glad that I have a friend like you TED...Hope ur MAMA is doing well....she will recover....soon and don't worry Ted...she feels your presence....

how i wish i could hug her too....
be strong and please let me know if i can be any help....don't see time or place...just write...

Posted: Aug 22, 2008

Your imagery is quite descriptive and touches my every heart string...It looks like to take great constructive suggestions. Sometimes Poets don't allow these intelligent people to have an impact!

Posted: Aug 24, 2008

Very vivid! I feel as if I'm there with you on that rock, sitting, just being. Brilliant, beautiful.

MA

Posted: Aug 26, 2008

You brought back memories of similar times and places and FEELINGS. You don't need a reason or reason to paint such a vivid masterpiece. So well painted with words, the hairs on the back of my neck salute you.

craaig

Posted: Sep 5, 2008

i could almost see the scene, it was sincere and touching
enjoyed this one
great work!

Please do check out some of my work :)

Posted: Sep 26, 2008