Often times I find myself looking at my life through rewind
Trying to remember times that have long past yet so genuine
What happened to that feeling, what happened to being happy?
Now when I look back I have to laugh because it was all truly so sappy
The fun and the memories made are long past, assured never to return
The understanding of that and knowing what it means leaves a painful burn
My mind this endless tunnel of darkness and hate
How in the hell can my heart ever possibly rate
No room for love or happiness, it is all over-crowded with doubt
Who has the upper hand and who will end in this self-defying bout?
I regain an image of myself as a child and in that moment I smile
When I come to, I realize it was only just another form of denial
I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the figure reflecting back
The image is only there to remind me of that which I now seem to lack
Angry I stand staring until I finally can’t look anymore so I shatter the glass
The bigger picture tells me it doesn’t matter who I am, compared to the mass
Feeling ashamed I silently judge myself a little more every single day
I keep asking myself over and over will it ever and will I ever be okay
Another day passes with all the regret but I do my very best
With no change within my life lost in this complicated nest
You look at me and see a smile
What you don’t see is the over-shadowed denial
I can fool the best and I have for years
But how can I hide behind my own tears
Look closely, deep within my eyes, do you see it?
All the emotion and how hard my heart has been hit?
It has been bruised and beaten much like someone’s face after a failed fight
I cry out and scream “GOD” where are you and please show me the true light
The clouds in my mind thicken and the overcast is so strong I am blinded
All the shame, regret, hate and pain I am so clearly being reminded
I close my eyes begging for peace and maybe a restful sleep
But I lay awake at night and through the night I quietly still weep
What have I done to myself and why do I feel so scared?
Do I truly fear all of those things I never ever dared?
In the light of a new day I realize the love I feel is self-made
You can’t lean on memories for they do truly one day fade
You have to believe that you are deserving of the best in this life
With energy and hope you can overcome and feel that true strife
Next time you look in that mirror look beyond the image into your heart
So much more telling of the person you are than, that image you smart
Know who you are and be who you are meant to be
Because no one else can tell you what you can only see
Believe in who you are and don’t force yourself to believe in that which is not true and not you
For those honest deserve happiness, and for all that is fake within, don’t let it challenge that view.