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Poem By: shreeram
Poetry


I NEVER WANTED TO POST THIS BUT SOMETHING COMPELLED ME TO DO SO THIS WAT I WAS LEFT WITH AFTER MY YEARS OF SUCCESS
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Submitted: Jul 20, 2008    Reads: 101    Comments: 20    Likes: 6   


Whenyou first stepped in

My heart's only desire was to win

Which made me do many a sin

And peoples believed i was mean

I was stout not lean

Though i always lacked hunger

I was more thirsty than thunder

Then the day when you held these dirty arm

The first time I touched something warm

But where has this warmth gone?

Have I done something that cant be undone?

I remember losing my inner war

You healed me and this pain ran far

But see my fate; It turned a traitor

And disabled my conscience that cruel creator

I forgot you and greed grew fonder

I had lost you then; now why do I wonder?

Why in my shadow I search your presence?

Why "my life", I miss your essence?

In my racy pace of madness

I lost you but found soul mate sadness

I regret not caring those warm hands

Now I sulk drinking the wine of success

And dance foreverwith my loneliness

Wish, could ever go back in time and express

Bring you back and clear this mess


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Comments:

Great Poem Shreeram!I can tell there was a lot of feeling in that poem!! Continue your writings because you have great talent and potential. Please read the first chapter of my novel and comment if you wish. Keep up the good work --Opal Chassidy

Posted: Jul 20, 2008

Author Comment:

surely and thanks for ur appreciation

thank you very much

Posted: Jul 20, 2008

I loved it!!! Two thumbs way up!!

Posted: Jul 20, 2008

Author Comment:

than you i am extremely grateful to you

A lot of feeling here and some great lines - the nes that stand out to me are:"Why in my shadow I search your presence?" - that is a far reaching search, down to your very shadow - "In my racy pace of madness" - that is a great line! Describes someone restless and passionate. Keep writing!

Posted: Jul 20, 2008

Author Comment:

thank you for your judgement loved your comments maam hope u will always be my guide

Very intersting Shreeram, you have used some really evocative expressions. Would dance perhaps work better than ballet ?

Kind regards,
Nonna2

Posted: Jul 20, 2008

Author Comment:

maam thank you very much and i have done the changes as per your suggestions thank you maam

Really liked this, five thumbs up! (I just picked a random number) I hope to hear ur comments on my writings soon :) Keep writing!

Posted: Jul 20, 2008

Author Comment:

sir it would be an honour to see your work

beautiful, very clear, keep writing more poems, u rock!!

Posted: Jul 21, 2008

Author Comment:

thanks for this appreciation i am really grate ful to you

Shreeram,
Please call me Nonna, which means Grandmother in Italian. I used it as a nom de plume as my Grandson is a contributor to Booksie.

Posted: Jul 21, 2008

Author Comment:

nonnna i must say i am honoured to be ur grand son

We get to realize the value of a person once we lost her/him. So sad yet it always holds true. ^^

Posted: Jul 21, 2008

Author Comment:

yaa h i even realised that but i hope this truth is a lie in everyones life and they never realise after loosing

i am a very simple man and believe that poetry should appeal to all . this poem in it's simplicity does exactly that . no words that make you dash for the dictionary , nor sentences that leave you baffled as to their meaning , i know so many will enjoy reading this ,
terry

Posted: Jul 22, 2008

Author Comment:

i am more than grateful to you thanks for ur response

i love this:D success is nothing if we lose something more important

Posted: Jul 22, 2008

Author Comment:

yaah and i hope my piece we make some one realise

flow was awesome!

Posted: Jul 22, 2008

Author Comment:

thank you my pleasurte hope some oder day u can check out my oder works

simple but with deep meaning. keep on posting! c",)

Posted: Jul 22, 2008

Author Comment:

thank you for the inspiration u have been hope u can heck out my poem conspiracy against god and my article efforts to foster peace i know i am sounding greedy but ur comments help me write more

charu
(not registered user)

dats an awesome piece of wrk....m frozen n dunno how to let u knw wht kinda impact its havin on me!
mtbp!;) hpe ya got dah! tee hee

Posted: Jul 22, 2008

Author Comment:

yaajh hope you got my sense

hi! shreeram. greed has claimed many a victim but in this love has lost its soldier. but these r the pitfalls of the modern materialistic world. u've provided a good description. thoughtful. lol. ;-)

Posted: Jul 22, 2008

Author Comment:

thank you maam you have always been a thought for me tahnks for ur appreciation

Sweet! I'm glad you posted it:) i like it.

Posted: Jul 23, 2008

Author Comment:

thank you so much
for your appreciation
and thanks for coming on my invitation
hope you can go thru my oder poems wen u have tym and give ur suggestion on my article on peace and women empowerment

great work air five

I'd love for u to check out rest of my work !

Posted: Jul 24, 2008

Author Comment:

thanks yaar for this response it would be aprivilege to check your work

I love the title and it was a great concept. My only thing was you repeating some words that probably didn't need to be repeated, like Thunder and Mess. This could be your style of writing though, I try not to repeat my words at all. Although I do understand some cases do call for that.

Maybe.

"I forgot you and greed seem to grow fonder
I had lost you then; now why do I wonder?"

"Now I sulk drinking the wine of success
And dance forever in my loneliness"

Just suggestions. I'm, in no way, trying to bash your poem at all. Well Done, Shreeram.

Posted: Jul 25, 2008

Author Comment:

sir surely i will use them and haan ur suggestions are very valuable for me

Very nice poem here shreeram. I like how you use your rhyme scheme and metaphor. They are both used swiftly and deftly. You definitely have a talent and I hope that you continue writing! Regan

Posted: Jul 26, 2008

Author Comment:

thanks and if ur comments keep on coming i hope i will get more and more courasge to work

Cocktail of all emotions...lovely read...keep writing...

Posted: Sep 19, 2008



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