Why can't I be one of them?

I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore

Who am I? What have I become?

For as long as I can remember I wanted to fit in

I  wanted to be skinny enough where people would like me.

Where I could find a decent guy instead of a scumbag.

So I could fit in and feel good about myself.

But instead I have to be cursed with struggling with my appearance. 

My weight, it goes up and then it goes down with hard work.

I was doing so good, lost twenty pounds

Then I turned vegeatian hoping that would help.

I just let myself go.

Now I'm back to where I was two years ago.

So I'm back to starving myself.

To making myself work out too much.

I shouldn't be wearing my fat jeans

They should be falling right off of me.

Instead they fit almost perfectly.

I'm ugly. I'm disgusting to look at.

I'm fat. I'm not pretty.

I know in my life it will be a constant struggle.

Why can't I be skinny?
Why can't I look like all the actresses and models?

Why must I be overweight?
It took so long to lose the weight

I was finally geting to where I felt good about myself!

I could wear a size four!

Now I'm not able to.

People were happy for me, I was happy.

Now I'm not.

I can't look at my self in the mirror without negative thoughts

All those cruel names are back in my mind.

They came crashing like a wave. 

I will do what I did before to lose the weight.

I will make up excuses to skip meals.

I will push myself to hard in the gym.

I know it isn't right, it isn't healthy.

But I can't handle it.

Why must they make all the girls on TV being skinny and pretty?

Peer pressure makes you feel worse.

I know many people are happy no matter what size they are

I know I shouldn't be complaining for gaining the weight back

Because some people can't even eat.

I feel so wrong for complaining about it.

Because I'm one of the lucky ones.

I know I can eat, I don't have to worry about it.

It's not the end of the world anyways.

Why can't I be pretty?

Because I am who I am.