Psalm 84:5-7 (NIV)
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools.[d]
7 They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.
God is only as big as you will allow Him to be. Disbelief limits the work of the Lord and prevents Him from blessing you. These are the things I had to remind myself of today as I keep processing everything that happened on Friday in court. I don`t want to limit the Lord only because I didn`t see the vivid shift in may favor. When Jesus went to the court, He was convicted although He was innocent, and although it looked like a complete failure from the human`s perspective, God had a different plan. God`s plan involved complete triumph regardless of how the facts looked at that moment.
As believers we have a command from the Lord to walk by faith and not by sight, and there is nothing else that needs to be added to that. It truly summons everything that I said above: We make God as big as we allow Him to be. If we look at the circumstances and believe that the Lord is a failure just like us, than that`s what we are going to get. If we believe that regardless of the condition of the circumstances, the Lord is capable and Mighty to deliver us even if the circumstances tell us the opposite, than He will be faithful to do just that! This is all I can stand on right now. I cannot please the Lord without faith!
One of the scriptures the Lord showed me right before the hearing last week was Psalm 84. This is the ultimate test for me: Would I prefer to spend one day in His courts rather than a thousand years in the tents of wickedness even if the couse was to loose everything I hoped for?”
10 For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God Than dwell in the tents of wickedness (Psalm 84:10 NKJV).
Would I choose to backslide and blame God for the horrible outcome in the court, or would I stand on His word and continue believing that the last word is after Him, and He hasn`t completed what He started yet.
I know many of you have been waiting impatiently for the results of my hearing, but they are not what a typical “Hollywood”outcome that could have been predicted. When I was fasting and praying for direction for the things to ask from the Lord in the upcoming hearing, I realized that there is nothing that I should be asking for myself because it would be selfish and unproductive for the prospect plan of the Lord. So, I decided to pray that the Lord would use that hearing and the outcome of the hearing not for the things that I wished had happened, but for whatever necessary outcome that could produce the change in my husband`s heart. The truth is, if I asked just for custody for myself and the house, and the refund of the legal fees, and the whole nine yards, I would have contradicted the goal of what I was praying for all this time, which is a restoration of my family, so the Lord could rebuild it on His word and truth. That could only happen if God could change my heart and my husband`s heart. He`s done a mighty work with me in the last couple of years, but my husband continues to resist God and change, so there was no reason for me to pray for the things for myself if I truly believed in God`s capabilities to save and realign my marriage on His word. I would tell you even more, the closer I got to the day, the more I realized that I would potentially lose everything rather than gaining anything.
There was no massive change that took place on Friday as an outcome other than confirming that custody is shared and the decision is for good. My husband got the use and possession of the house, which I gave up for him since I didn`t want to go back there, and I had to drop the request for legal separation. As of right now, I am married, leaving separate from my husband, and our daughter is split between the two houses. This is it. I am stuck with enormous amount of debt that I would have to repay for my legal fees and the last couple of bills for my attorney, ongoing current bills that are higher than what I can afford to pay, and all this my God knows. All these facts look like a complete failure, but it`s up to me whether I would give in to temptation and take the initiative into my hands trying to resolve everything myself, or whether I would trust the Lord to be Big and Mighty to save me from a complete bankruptcy which is what I face right now.
Only God knows what`s going on in my husband`s heart, and only He knows what`s necessary to change my circumstances. The bottom line is, it`s up to me, whether I would trust God and choose to be a “doorkeeper in the house of my God,” or whether I would go back to living in the “tents of the wickedness.” We always have that choice to make, and I choose the Lord. I choose to say that He is not finished yet, and He is going to complete what He started in His own due time.
I am drained and weary, but that`s not a crime. Elijah was drained and weary when he lied down and gave up on his work. He thought of himself as nothing better than his ancestors, and this is how I feel too. I would be lying if I said I know everything I must do because I don`t. I feel just like Elijah-- to lay down under the “broom bush: and never wake up again, but God has a different plan for me just like He had a different plan for Elijah.
3 Elijah was afraid[a] and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there,4 while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.”5 Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” 6 He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again. 7 The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” 8 So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. 9 There he went into a cave and spent the night (1 Kings 19:3-9 NIV).
I was afraid just like Elijah was afraid for his life. I was afraid for loosing custody over my daughter when I went to the court because of the attitude the judge displayed. She didn`t feel like listening to my case, so she warned if we didn`t settle for what was already in place, she would make sure she would make a decision against what I fought for. If God was able to strengthen Elijah, I know He can strengthen me and direct me for the next assignment. God fed Elijah to nourish his body knowing that he had to make a lengthy trip by foot to mount Horeb; that was a 40 day trip by foot. When Elijah reached the destination, he questioned God about his next assignment, and God was able to direct him from there.
I am in dire need of God`s "nourishment" because I am drained and tired from these constant spiritual battles, but I still choose to trust the Lord. Who am I to question the Lord?
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.9“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 10 As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, 11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:8-11 NIV).
God`s word doesn`t return in vain until it completes what He intends it to complete, so there is no place for me to question God`s timeline. My thoughts are not like His, and His ways are higher than mine, so again, I have no right to question what He intends to do to shift my circumstances.
Looking back at Joseph`s story, we know that He had two main tests: he went from bad to worse. He first was sold into slavery by his brothers, underwent a horrible trip to Egypt by foot, being a slave, than from working hard as a slave, he was unjustly accused by Potiphar`s wife who wanted to sleep with Joseph, and he ran away from her, so he didn`t sin against God. As a result, he was sent to jail for many years. Joseph went from bad (being sold into slavery) to worse (being sent to jail), and through all that God`s hand was with him even though the outcome didn`t seem fair to the humans. God`s ways are higher than ours.
My pain is great, my faith is weak, and my strength is gone, but my God is Mighty to cover it all! This is a new chapter in my life that`s called: Living One Day In His Courts Rather Than Thousand Years in the Tents of Wickedness. I choose God, for the better or for worse!