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My idle ramblings of my life taken from a moment in time when I was feeling rather droll.

Submitted:Sep 18, 2008    Reads: 114    Comments: 4    Likes: 5   

Never run in Faith if you can't believe. This is my problem. I started out my life and path on faith...faith in God and his plan for my life. Yet I still find it hard to believe that he actually HAS a plan for me and I find extremely hard to believe that the plan even if it is actually there will lead me to a positive self-satisfying end.
God has given me great talents and abilities. I would like to think that I've affected the lives of people surrounding me in a positive way...changed them for the better if you will. I never truly feel satisfied and happy unless I'm serving or helping someone else. It gives me meaning and purpose to intervene and work on the lives of others in their favor. I LIKE making a lasting and positive impact. My goal in life is to impact those around me in such a way as to improve their lives. However I'm falling dramatically short of this goal, with no way that I can see to reach it.
The feeling of failing at life is tough one, never being able to make a positive change in your own life...never seeing the good inside yourself. Feeling the void in my heart that twists my stomach and borders on nausea. I feel ugly; I feel unworthy...I feel like that I am never quite good enough to take the things in life that would make me happy. My own fear holds me back and that same fear leaves me standing on the edge of a precipice. I get the sense of urgency...like I need to make the jump and I need to make it now. I cannot bring up the courage in my heart to leap. A coward to the core I'm bound by the current that pulls me along, bound by the self imposed shackles that keep me from swimming my own course through life. I let chance and circumstance tug me along...trusting to them to bring me to shore. Nothing worse then self-impairment, it is something I alone must overcome...who can save me if I cannot save myself?
What must I do? Where must I go? What is in store for me and why God have you left me here to flounder!? I cannot see the shore, I'm so far away and every day I drift out farther...the longer I stay away from God the harder it becomes to get back to him. The journey is already so far, the strength required to make it I am sure I do not have within me...so I must drift even further away.
If God is the only way; the alpha, the omega, the beginning and the end, where God are you now in MY life? You gave me the gifts and strengths to lend to others...you've given me the ability to lift others out of their self imposed darkness. Why will you not help me now! I cannot help myself.
Robert Frost had it easy by his own reckoning...only TWO roads diverged in a wood. What of my life? So many paths before me and I do know which one to take! Should I take one at all? Should I sit at the cross roads and wait?
I am lost, I do not know what to do. The only thing I know is that the path I am on is not the right one. I am failing at life, I've lost my way, and I can fix others but cannot fix myself. What have I done to give a good accounting of myself? Even this piece I am writing hides my emotions and thoughts because I do not KNOW my emotions and thoughts.
I draw the conclusion that I must. I am ugly, I am failing at life, I am immoral, I am a liar, and I am fit for fodder and fire. Who can truly love me if I cannot love myself? I hate myself; I hate the decay that clings to my heart and eats at my soul!!! I despise the person I have become and the man I am, I cannot show who I truly am...I am ugly of soul. I murder myself each I time I look into the mirror, the image cannot be me though...I was meant for greater things...this failure who stands staring back at me...it cannot be me...it is another man and I hate him for all that he is and represents.


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