The Mind and Reality
This strange place in which my thoughts whirl, they call it a mind and I suppose it has to be mine. Things of which I am both proud and ashamed fill it with startling quickness, thoughts of past, present and future.
These thoughts, these memories and dreams seem just as real as what I'm looking at sometimes and fill me with all sorts of emotions. These strange things, driving forces that make me wanna act and talk but yet more arise to quell my desires in the face of what I perceive reality to be, to govern myself. It's strange when you convince yourself that fear keeps you normal.
Perhaps then this is why the mystics and meditators extoll the vitues of escaping fear, for it leaves you in a strange, limited, unaccepting space in your head. Paranoia sets in shortly afterwards, your fears seeping out into your perception. The world becomes tinted with dangerous reds and miserable greys, you start to feed your fear like a spoiled loved one.
The mind is a strange place, indeed and I am it and it is me... I am a strange place indeed. The fear got a foothold with the noblest of intentions, to prevent lose of loved ones and cherished relationships, to maintain my happiness. After a while it became a habit, an addiction.
Fear can be anyone's heroin, rack of lamb or champagne. A gentle disuading voice of saftey that whispers "better off alone" and "they'll all go eventually, forgo love in the name of security". It is a confused intention.
Love for yourself manifested as the ultimate bleakness, it is a strong influence but not impossible to escape.
You must work very hard to rethink under this influence. Cycling whilst high is difficult, driving whilst drunk is fiddly... now try thinking when you're convinced you can't see reality. Who convinced you of that, though? You did. Some part of you, perhaps you didn't even hear it at the time.
This would seem to indicate an innate disatisfaction with reality, a frustrated inner child who never receives what they want. Why would this be the case? Well, perhaps if you're convinced you never get what you want then maybe, just maybe, when you look at reality you'll never see all the choices you can make.
Perhaps a silent choice was made, one you weren't even aware of. "I am a victim of reality, it just happens to me, I do not influence it. I know this because what I wanted never happened, I have learned to not want, hope or dream. I have no power."
So perhaps... the first step towards a less painful approach to life is to accept that we can all make choices, no matter how small or big they seem to us. These choices can have influence beyond which we can see, the slightest hint of shimmering in the waves of life hinting at their possible effects.
There is a strong impulse at this point to feel fear, fear of the unknown and the unknowable. To know what will happen, you must experience it and it then becomes the past. Perhaps our fear is of a logical mistep, our minds overlaying logic over chaos. That chaos is reality, we assume everything is linear, a logical following on from.
But life is a billion variables a second, you don't even see one one billionth of them all. You are one of those variables and you contain even more variables yourself, to say nothing of the countless numbers of other beings and environments around you and their variables.
An emotion, a movement, a sudden desire to ski-board. Reality could suddenly trigger a repressed memory or make you desire to eat a whole pizza.
Life is not linear, life is not dictated to you by your past and how you think about it. You are always making choices, no matter if you acknowledge them or not. Life is a wonderful chaos.
Why is chaos wonderful? Well, it allows for an unexhaustable list of options, choices, results. You could walk into a bar in a terrible mood and walk out happily drunk and going home with a person you wish to bed, maybe you'll win on the slot machine, maybe you'll just be less stressed.
Life is chaos and sometimes things just happen, it's inevitable but we can always choose how to respond and what we'd like to make out of something. Embrace the chaos and take control of yourself.