What an epiphany I had the other night.
While lying in the tub, doing my meditation, I suddenly remembered my dream from the night before. It's one of those recurring dreams. It varies very little. Last night, I was back in the home I grew up in. I'm walking through the house, I can tell by the lighting from outside that it's evening, but not quite night. I go to turn on the kitchen light, and nothing happens. I flick it off and on again, but the light doesn't seem to want to turn on. I get frustrated. I keep flicking it on and off, on and off, and my frustration builds. Eventually, I wake up from the dream. Sometimes I'm in my childhood home, other times I'm in other houses. Some of these places I don't think I've ever been in… Not in this lifetime anyway (that's for a whole other story).
So, my epiphany.
I remember reading that we are everyone and everything in our dreams. I'm not a hundred percent this is true, but I thought about that for this strange and frustrating dream. I said out loud "Oh, I'm the light." I don't seem to want to turn on.
What is it I need to turn on, you ask? Everything. My whole sense of "me" has been lost somewhere. I've fallen into this… funk. Writing hasn't been fun for me lately and I haven't felt a sense of accomplishment in a long time, even though I've just recently celebrated 13 years of sobriety.
That being said, I also realized something else. The light is god. Or a higher power, which ever you want to call it. I use the word god for lack of anything else to call it. I realized that it is up to me to turn to god. It is up to me to turn away from god. The choice is clearly mine.