R.I.P aunt tony coote

The tears seem to flow endlessly. The hart races faster then your mind can think as you run and wish that this so called life could be easier or you could escape. How did you just loos those you love so much . As I walk into the white door frame and are welcomed but family members I can't help but think how once smiling faces will never be the the same and the endless tears are from those who are stronger then you are. But the smell of roses and death mimic everyone as you see the room the lavender chair the flowers surrounding the casket a Line of people waiting to say good bye to nothing. To an outer shell to someone that did not have to die for someone that has dont so much for this world and this is how god re pays us by taking her at such a age 74. Yes it's old but when you have just finished Christmas dinner a month befor she died and were laughing and talking and then things just change. A happy soul was in so much pain and as all the adults try to keep it w away from you and hold back tears you know that anger you feel is directed to your self and Christ why couldn't he save her why what and what if I stayed with her for all the years she had left? But is it fascinating how a why and what if changes our look apron the church. So as I need down on the Solent kneeler beneath her casket and se almost a doll like figure in her glacé and feel her hard cold hand and smell the roses soon her perfume I think this is not my aunt this is a shell this is what god left of her so we can just morn more and as I watch her husband my uncle I never saw him cry befor but he is and as he says hi it's not his voice is more of a dark suppressing mood that he has no and a frown plasters on his face. Many this new guy will drift away and I'll have my uncle back but it will never change it never dose. Nothing ever dose. My little cosin who came but was to busy on her iPhone never said hi and as she approaches the casket she sheds a tear but I know it's fake who was that inagrant stick up prep able to cry how was the rest of her father my uncle and her step family able to say how much they miss her. I know those tears are not genuine there just for show there fake. And as people see me shedding more and more tears I push the, aside and stare at a wall and I resent this part of my family more those pretenders who have the nerve to show up and cry when they did nothing of them befor. I say I need to go out side I run out that door and walk behind the broken bulding in my black dress and white heels just as everyone els was dressed. I whipeout my tears and ball up my fists this I know is not going to blow over first my great grandmother someone who I loved and cherished a best friend and now my aunt the oldest the only reminder of who wears left. I become angry angry that time moves to fast how why. She died of cancer and cancer wasa silent factor is death but a factor that made death possible and more angry people resenting society and The Lord. So a lot of my family to to church and act like they care but a lot of them the ones that have so much money unlike the rest of us try to show us up I know they say they lover there niece and cosin but they just think I'm useless but I know who are the real ones I know who's left and me being the oldest Fulgieri chil since there's only two real ones so I know I can't be like the other but as I sit by that brick buliding I feel a warmth and that's not possible it's still the start of spring and I feel wings wrapped around me as I start to led up on the tears and look straight at the sun and is know I see that sunshine that everything will be ok but in the future we all to through hell but I have to belive that I can run through that hell and get back to where I belong and see who I a, and I know u like the pretenders I know who I'm ,want to be and I'm never going anywhere as long I live I'll make the world proud. I love you ain't tonie. R.I.P.