By Sreekumar Nair
No question I'm not the only one, but it's the case with everyone in the world to make a sense of obscure feelings taking shape in their confused mind which they tend to sort out coolly by simple logical answers reasoning themselves in their sub-conscious mind by...They like it ..Or …They like it not !!
"Subconscious mind !!!" Wait a minute…
Ummm...Alright my heart had a job for this last sixty seconds and it calls me a sense less creature, for I could never understand things straight. My heart cries out saying "it's not the subconscious mind you fool, it's all about the first touch."
My brain wonders what first touch is. Something to do with "Touch me -Touch me not" game that a couple living in relationship fun about? A big NO. It's the cry of heart I am talking about, so for god's sake it better be serious. No kidding for self-joy dear, Mr Brain. Just stay in my head and think. I demand an explanation for this touchy stuff.
What is first touch?
I like-or-hate things because of first touch.
First touch? Is it First Sight? First love? First Night? First Fuck?.....Holy Fuck !!!
I scratch my chin and scroll this page up to see if something pops out of my head; Nothing. Brother comes looking at my wrinkling eyebrows, dancing fingers, swinging shoulders and secretly murmuring lips. I beg him to buy me a bottle of beer. Brother raises his eyebrow in wonder and goes off to buy my stuffs leaving me alone to carry out my crazy acts in my own world.
I try to define first touch by looking at the roof and walls of my bedroom as if by magic words and its meanings will appear over there. I roll my eyes in desperation to get a hint of what is first touch. My soul would go for a long walk, cut-short of my life where I had come across a touch.A touch that could never be forgotten and which has had its own reserved place in my heart. At that instant something cross my mind for a second and I forget what it is and to regain the last second lost memory I say silently.
"First touch. First touch. FIRST TOUCH..."
Something that touch your heart for the first time.
The long walk short cut travel of my soul to my past life took five minutes by which time brother comes with a bottle of beer and look at my still wrinkling eyebrows, dancing fingers, swinging shoulders and secretly murmuring lips. He wonders if I am a recorded animated movie clip. And there he goes again but this time not my self -probing.
I tell my master organs "I am already suffering split personalities by your never ending vendetta. Alright relax !! Just stay calm in your confined space and think why do you like someone. No drafting of philosophical theories .Get straight to the point. This blog is for Amaylo and so talk about Amaylo. Why do you like Amaylo, Mr Brain?"
Mr Heart pumps out my blood and says "Because she possesses the first touch of your feelings"
I lift the bottle straight up and pour beer straight through my mouth and say "Stop bullshitting coz I never get your words. And this was for Mr Brain if I must remind you."
Mr Heart replies "What would it know? Its already under the booze control. It's about to sleep soon and so are you mister!"
I tell "I'm not going to get sleep; Got to get over with this job. You were saying something about possessing my feelings or something?"
"Yes! Think through me why you like Amaylo, mister"
"Yes you are getting it; because she is... what? Come again?"
"Want to beg"
"I am your master remember. I need not beg you for anything"
"Ha! Like hell you are"
"Know the first girl you saw in your life?"
"Bad memory. Can't help"
"Sorry I am of no help. Bid me good night and go sleep. I got a job for your survival"
"As far as I remember the first girl I ever saw was ...umm...She was at my house and was taking my hands and clapping it together and was singing, giggling, looking at me and smiling; I think I too smiled then. Perhaps my first smile .Not sure though."
"Were you a blind kid before that?"
"No it's just that I think I started storing my thoughts moments before that. And she was the first girl I ever saw in my life I think"
"Yes of course you were not blind; so what was the catch in her"
"I think I enjoyed having my hands clapped together and her laugh for each of those claps; and yes she was making a rabbit of her face and hands ;she looked happy and scary both at a time."
"Meaning you liked her for her laughs and rabbit faces?"
"I think I liked her because I felt I was the reason behind her laughter"
"Meaning you like people who you think likes your company?"
"Yes, I like people who like me"
"So what was the touch in her?"
"Well, I think she seemed too funny at that time and she cared for me a lot. It seemed like her only goal was to help me learn things and guide me with her funny company which would never get me bored. You know, that kind of a touch"
"Try to get some sleep however I am sure you will not sleep, for you are now going to revisit your good days with Amaylo and find out why you like Amaylo in your life"