Life's all about moments, events that matters. Everything that one can feels, that shapes and molds the body and soul. Some experience can hurt us like a deep wound but others can be extraordinary and we'll never forget it. I could never forget my first love, he was a man that changed my life forever. I felt lost and confused until I meet him; he came into my life like a missing puzzle piece. I had no bearings, no compass to guide me until he swept into my life. Without knowing or planning he became my wind. He was my true north, I could always find my way home when he was my home. But some things just happens, whether it was fate or destiny or whatever you call it, we weren't meant to be. The proudest moments in my life was being able to understand that and letting go.
When you're trying to let go of someone in your life it isn't easy as it sounds. You remember everything from the beginning to the end. I could still recall the first time meeting him. He walked into the room with his ridiculous headphones that caught every one's attention including mine. You could hear the beat of his music matching the beat of your heart. Right then and there I knew that I wanted to get to know this person but I would have never imagine that this guy would turn my world upside down and rip it into pieces.
If I've known, would I've changed anything. I question myself that once in awhile when I think of him. I remember how he entered my life slowly without me realizing it. We talked some days and those some days turned into every day. We discussed about everything, it didn't surprised me that we become fast best friends. It seemed like we had everything in common; we would talk for hours and never get tired of every each other. Eventually he broke my wall, the wall I try so hard to keep people out. I guess one could say that I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt, building a barrier between me and others. But for the first time I let someone in, I let him in allowed him to see the true me. Over time I got to know everything about him up to the point where I didn't think there isn't anything i don't know. It still amazes me how well we knew each other. Sometimes it felt as though he knew me better than myself. We were like family, caring and nurturing for each other. He was like the brother I never had, the one that toke care of and looked over me. But as time passed us I started to look at him differently.
I didn't know when or where I started to develop feelings for him and for the longest time I refused to accept these feelings. I would think, it was impossible he's my bestfriend there's no way I could ever like him. Everyday for a while i would tell myself this but then it hit me like a ton bricks, I was in love with him. I was frighten truth to be told, terrified out of my mind when I knew how I felt. I didn't want to ruin our friendship, the special bond that we had. But it's hard for one to bottle away these feelings and bury them, I'm only human. So I told him how I felt and when he uttered those words right back to me, I've never felt so satisfied before with my life. I knew things would be changing between us.
I was no longer just his best friend Kelly, I was his lover. He looked at me as a woman and I looked at him as a man. I didn't know nor did I care what the future had in stored for us but it didn't matter to me because all that matter was were together. We had many promises; it was us against the world. Our days together were magical and exotic; he made me feel complete, as through my life was full. I would be walking down the street with a smile on my face for no reason. I was girl blinded by young love but some things must come to an end.
We were growing apart, both growing up. I knew what i wanted but he didn't. It was like I was his Penelope and he was my Odysseus, I was waiting for my love to return to me. I waited for things to get better, for us to get better but we didn't. It just seemed the everyday we were farther and farther apart and I reach out to hold him, he's not there. I kept thinking we were went wrong, who's to blame. Was it my fault, did I do something wrong, maybe I should have put up with it and just ignore what was happening as though pretending nothing was wrong. It took me sometime to realize that he just wasn't the man i fell in love with anymore. I had to let him go and learn to live a life without him. For a long time his presence seems to follow me everywhere and I couldn't move forward with my life. He took a part o my soul, a part me that I can't get back.
Getting over someone isn't always easy, it's hard and painful. Over and over I would go back to him, wishing that we could go back. I would miss him all the time but I knew he wasn't the man I loved. I missed what we had, the connection we shared. He was a man who once filled my world full of color, love, and warmth. Don't put your life in some one's hand cause their bond to steal it away. Sometimes I wonder was it worth it. To feel all this pain, to loved then to never loved at all but once you experience what love is you would always want it. Eventually over a long period of time I was able to fully let him go. I was free. Although I do think about him from time to time but now if in the future I meet him again, we'll look at each other and I'll feel content. Because I am not bitter anymore, I know what happened between us was real. That every touch, every warmth, and every word spoken was real, that we were real.