People do not fall in love in people, there is nothing in people
to fall in love with. People fall in love with fantasies, and
other people just happen to play a role. I fell in love with the
fantasy of a sophisticated mistress, or lover, if you prefer. The
lady I chose was perfect for the role. Well, excluding the fact
she was in love with a very different fantasy with a very
different guy in the lead role. In hindsight, I guess that my
role was partly light entertainment, and partly to articulate her
own fantasy and accelerate its plot. But I was blind to that.
When one is in love with a fantasy, he can only see the fantasy.
Instead of people, he only sees the role they are supposed to be
playing. Filtering the lines which do not align with the role,
and generating the right lines, when the other side fails to do
so. Funny enough, more often than not, these lines are made in
the plural form, without prior permission or consent. As such,
they remain hanging in the air, when the role player puzzledly
misses her queue in the play.
We were the perfect mismatch. I was tired and frustrated from my
institutionalized life, and was starving for a parallel universe,
accessible and invisible. She was tired and frustrated from being
a lover and a mistress, always in a parallel universe, and
invisible. She wanted everything that I didn't want, couldn't
give, and didn't believe in. I wanted everything that was
familiar, pointless and painful to her. A perfect Mobius strip;
she was my escape exit from a life she fantasizes about.
Can there a be a right and wrong here? Does it matter? My sense
is that it's wrong and wrong, and the whole system of falling in
love with fantasies is the root cause. Making short term action
based on long term plans / wishes / fantasies is the joke that
makes up life. So having being awakened, and looking at my
fantasy from the side, what should I do? The fantasist in me sees
the opportunity: having analyzed the mechanics of the roulette -
odds are a bit better (or does that actually means I haven't
understood them at all), and I should take advantage of my
insight and try to game the system. Should I find a role player
with aligned fantasies? Should I first sell the fantasy, and then
naturally slip into the role? Should I adapt my fantasy, as it's
anyhow nothing but a misleading illusion? Should I give up on
fantasies overall, and just write a about them?
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